Hello, 2015!

Hello, 2015!  Am I glad to see you!  Yes, it’s freezing and snowy, but quiet and refreshing after all of the holiday madness.

Once I had my first quiet moment to myself in over 2 weeks, I was able to focus on what I really wanted for 2015.  Sure, I want to write more and live more in the present moment, but when I really searched for what I needed to make any goals, it all boiled down to one word: boundaries.

My first peaceful moment of 2015.

I  feel like I should have this boundary thing down better by now since it seems that every personal goal I’ve made this decade can be traced down to boundaries.  This year I have noticed that creating boundaries is no longer my struggle: it’s keeping them.

 My inner dialogue goes something like this:

“I want to please everyone!”

“I give 0 F’s about pleasing everyone!”

“Well, maybe a few Fs.”

“Erin, you are strong.  You can have boundaries and still be compassionate and kind.”

The struggle is real.

And come to find out, there is a pattern with all this inner-conflict.  Doubt starts to sneak in when I’m not paying attention and starts to whisper passive-aggressive thoughts.  “Are you sure you want to say no, Erin?  Is that really the right thing to do?  Think of those that will be disappointed.”

When the pressure bears down too much and I start to question my self-worth, I explode!  There is a war being waged on my boundaries, and I must protect them!

This Is my house. I must defend it.

I want to be angry with the people who have little regard for what I find sacred, but when I sit quietly and dig deep, I am really just angry with doubting myself.  Then come the waves of self-loathing.

It reminds me of overindulging during the holidays.  During all of the social gatherings (and my introvert-mandated recovery from said social events), it seems like a good idea to loose myself in a batch of wreath cookies and a bottle of wine.  But the only thing that ever really results in that is a bloated tummy, a headache, and a deep contempt for myself.  

All of the wreath cookies.

So my intention for 2015 is to avoid the emotional hangover of becoming misaligned with my boundaries.

I want to cultivate a peaceful strength that does not need to be forceful to be heard or back down when the pressure becomes to great.

I’ve worked really hard to discover my personal boundaries.   Now I want to settle into them and feel cozy and safe; not standing at the door on defense just waiting for someone to break in.

I think the confidence that comes from being comfortable will help reaching my other goals more of a reality.

What are you hoping for in 2015?

This is exactly what I am feeling for 2015.

2013: A Year in Review and New Year’s Eve Thoughts

Christmas is over, and I (barely) survived.  Every year I say that I am not going to let myself get burnt out from the season, and every year I end up stumbling around in my jammies until all hours of the day wondering what the hell just happened.

In addition to some holiday drama, there were a few things that made this Christmas season especially challenging.

We sold our home.

We moved into myparents’ house.

We moved into our newhome.

We celebrated 10 years of marriage.

The kids have had some trouble adjusting to all of the newness.

I also started a new job and created 2 new courses which made me realize that I am no longer a full-time stay-at-home-mom.

I presented at the Rochester Writers’ Conference.

I’ve been on Live in theD Moms’ Panel.

Basically, 2013 was all about transition.

Most of these things are wonderful opportunities for which we are grateful. But I am not going to lie; it was a lot of hard work.  It wasn’t like we waved our magic wand, and suddenly we had a new house or a new course appeared.

We pushed ourselves in a lot of ways, and I feel proud of what we accomplished, but I am exhausted.

Exhausted.

And in the face of all this pushing, I can tell you that I was not very nice to myself. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt as I figured out working part time mostly from home.  I felt responsible for Marie’s difficult transition.

So as I figure out what I want to do for resolutions for next year, I have decided to go with a theme for 2014, which was inspired by The Huffington Post Healthy Living post.

I originally thought “strength,” but that sounded more fitness orientated.  Then I thought “joy,” but I thought that sounded too generic.

Then, as I was folding laundry after going grocery shopping and managing the kids with their screen time, I was struck with this thought: I need to be more kind to myself.

Maybe that looks like sleeping in instead of going for that run.

Maybe that looks like going for that run instead of chilling in front of the TV.

Maybe that looks like cooking a really delicious meal or maybe it is getting take out.

Being creative makes me happy so I think I will finally devote some time to learn how to make iMovies and do that BritCo Skill Share workshop that I signed up for in December.

Being kind to myself requires me to be present and really listen to what I need rather than what I think I can push myself to do.  And that, in and of itself, is a challenge for me. 

I feel that our family has been through a lot of changes, and we could all benefit from a focus on kindness.

Yes, kindness is my theme for 2014.

What are your goals for 2014?  Do you have a theme?  Or are you more of a resolution person?

My First 48 Hours of 2012

Happy New Year!  In case you weren’t hovering over your computer on New Year’s Eve, I wrote a little review of 2011.  To be fair (as in I did do something other than blogging), we did have friends over on the earlier side since we all have kids five and under.   We thought it best to celebrate early to avoid ringing in the New Year with a meltdown.  Objective successfully reached.

I thought that was a good sign that 2012 was off to a positive start.

I thought wrong.

Follow me through this loose time line:

12 a.m. – Holy $hit!  I stayed up to watch the ball drop.  I haven’t done that in at least six years!   Thanks Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper for making it fun!

8:00 a.m.  – Holy $hit!  Everyone slept in!  (This should have been the first clue that something was not right).  Woke up and made chocolate chip pancakes.  I also drank copious amounts of coffee with Peppermint Mocha creamer.

9:00 a.m. – Find myself having to repeat everything I was saying to Marie. 

9:05 a.m. –          “Marie, could you please bring me your dish?”

 “What?” 

“Marie, could you please bring me your dish?” 

“What?”

“Marie, could you please bring me your dish?” 

“What?”

9:06 a.m. -           “Marie, did you brush your teeth?”

                                “What?”

                                “Marie, did you brush your teeth?”

                                “What?”

                                “Marie, did you brush your teeth?

                                “What?”

9:07a.m. -            “Marie, can you hear me?”

                                “What?”

                                “Marie, can you hear me?”

                                “What?”

                                “Marie, can you hear me?”

                                “What?”

9:09a.m. -            “Marie, can you hear me?”

                                “What?”

                                “Marie, can you hear me?”

                                “What?”

                                “Marie, can you hear me?”

                                “What?”

10:30 a.m. – Suspect that Marie cannot hear because she has too much ear wax.  Harrington gives her a bath and cleans her ears.  The problem is not resolved.  (See times 9:07 a.m. and 9:09 a.m.)

3:30 p.m. – We are just about to put our coats on to go to my parents’ house for dinner when I see some pus oozing from Marie’s eyes.  I try to stay calm, but on the inside I. Am. Freaking. Out.  I have always had an exaggerated fear of The Pink Eye (term coined by Marie).  I am no doctor, but I do believe that if there is something that resembles drainage that would be normal dripping from your nose actually leaking from your eye, it is a safe bet it is The Pink Eye.  I call the doctor.  He confirms that she has The Pink Eye and prescribes her eye drops.  On a related note, Marie also has a totally exaggerated fear of The Pink Eye, too, so she is hysterical.  Thank goodness my parents are cool with us coming over because she needs a distraction.

4:00 p.m. – Pick up meds from pharmacist.  He is either A) not happy to be there, B) nursing a hangover, or C) all of the above.  The shades on the walk-up window are drawn, and I can see a venti-sized Starbucks cup behind the counter.  The only word he utters to me is, “Yes,” when I ask him, after looking at the receipt, if he had charged my insurance.  (A three milliliter bottle of medicine is approximately $20, however, it originally retailed for approximately $100).

5:30 p.m. – Marie keeps getting up from dinner to examine her Pink Eye.  She says she is done eating so I could give her the medicine.  I try my best to administer the drops without grimacing too much at the sight of the puss.

8:00 p.m. – Bed time.

3:30 a.m. – Marie wakes up in a panic and tries looking at her Pink Eye, which has spread to the next eye.  Thankfully, her eyes are glued shut with goo so she cannot see what I am still trying to erase from my memory.  I try to unglue her eyes with a warm washcloth and give her more drops.

3:42 a.m. – Marie has had a bad dream about The Pink Eye, comes racing into our room, and tries to get in bed with us.  I end up yelling, “No” because she could not hear my loud whispers.  I put her back to bed and started googling The Pink Eye.

4:00a.m. – I finally fall back asleep.

7:15 a.m. – Take a shower so I can be prepared to leave for the first appointment of the day.

8:10a.m. – Secure an early doctor appointment.

9:15 a.m. – Doctor confirms that Marie has a double ear infection with pink eye, which commonly occur with each other.  Since I am in there, I ask if Thomas’s new rash could be related to this.  He says that the rash sounds like strep and that I need to make an appointment.  Gulp.

11:00 a.m. – Give Marie her amoxicillin. 

12: 00 p.m.  – Lunch.

1:00 – 2:30 p.m.  While Thomas is napping, I disinfect Eve.Ry.Thing.

2:30 – 3:00 p.m. – Pray for the best.

3:30 p.m. – Take Thomas to his doctor appointment.  Strep test: negative.  Sensitive skin: positive.  Phew.

5:00 p.m. – Costco chicken noodle soup to supplement the antibiotics.

6:15 p.m. – Start bed time routine early.  Obviously.

7:30 p.m. – Curl up in the fetal position and am grateful for antibiotics.  And that the day is over.

I am going with the belief that my year will only go up from here.  Marie’s eyes are doing much better.  We are still waiting for her hearing to return.

My digestion track was already sensitive with eating lots of salty, fatty food and no down time that facing my Pink Eye fear was just a bit too much for my stomach.  Ick.

Hope your 2012 is off to a great start!

2011 in Review

Happy New Year’s Ever!  I found this at All and Sundry (which by the way, LOVE her blog!), and I decided to participate.  It’s a bit different than the one I did last year, but I wanted to try it.  So here are my answers.

1.       What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

An hour and a half yoga class that raised money for a student who was battling cancer.  It was incredibly moving experience.

Cooking chicken on the bone with the skin on.

2.       Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Be the best mother I can be – I have made mistakes, but I try my best by being in the present and practicing kindness.   And that best looks different every day.

More date nights with Harrington – Out of twelve months, I think we made about sixish.  But we did make it to this restaurant that I’ve wanted to try forever.  I know, I know; there is room for improvement. 

Keep on writing and blogging – Check and check.

More yoga – Yes . . . until I had to take a break for physical therapy.

Focusing on the healthy relationships – Yes.

Find more like-minded people who share my values – Affirmative.

Since these all made me feel happy and balanced, I think I am going to stick with these.  But I would like to add meditation, choosing a comment platform for this blog, paying off our debt, and getting ready to move to the list.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

      No.

4.       Did anyone close to you die?

No. . . but I did go to a funeral to support a family friend when she lost her daughter.  She was devastated, and I was at a loss for words.

5.       What countries did you visit?

 I am going to modify the question to say "states".  I travelled to California – twice!  Once to Dana Point with Harrington’s work, and once for BlogHer!  We also travelled together as a family (along with my parents) to DisneyWorld.

And I loved 90 percent of all of it!

6.       What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Hmmm, that’s a good question.   I’m not sure.  More homemade Cassata cake and pierogies.  Off the top of my head.

7.       What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Marie’s 5^th birthday – where the hell did the past five years go?

Marie’s first day of Kindergarten – See above. 

Thomas sleeps in his big boy bed – seriously?!

 The Babes in. Total. Awe of seeing their favorite Disney characters in Disney World – magical.

8.       What was your biggest achievement of the year?

In addition to my continuing efforts to raise good and decent human beings without losing my mind, I feel that I have slowly changed my outlook on life.  I feel more accepting and with all this accepting, I just feel happier.  Not jump from the roof tops and super-smiley happy, more peaceful happy.

Also, I’m pretty proud of waking up at 5:15 a.m. to go workout with my friend three days a week.  This, crazy enough, may be related to the whole peaceful, happy feeling.

Oh, and we can’t forget all the progress I made on my Raw Chicken Dare.

9.       What was your biggest failure?

Anytime I lost my patience with The Babes.

Also, the “gentle” food cleanse that I attempted.

10.   Did you suffer illness or injury?

To make a long story short, my four sessions of physical therapy turned into five months.  I have some nerve damage that occurred during pregnancy and/or carrying my babies on my hips combined with a weak core/sitting incorrectly.  This put stress on my lower back and caused a condition called piriformis syndrome.  Which is just a fancy name for a pain in my ass.

Physical therapy was not fun and a huge inconvenience, but I absolutely loved my therapist.  She is the best, and I miss her. 

11.   What was the best thing you bought?

Park Hopper Passes to Disney World.  Hands down, best purchase Of. The. Year.

12.   Where did most of your money go?

Bills/mortgage, debt, medical expenses, and Disney World.

You can imagine which was the most fun and bought the most magical memories.

13.   What did you get really excited about?

Disney World.  (Geez, I am starting to sound like Marie.  She will talk about Disney World to anyone who will listen.  Or pretend to listen).

BlogHer 11 in San Diego.

My garden that my Dad helped me build.

14.   What song will always remind you of 2011?

I Gotta Feeling by Black Eye Peas - it started off at that charity yoga session to lighten up the mood and raise our energy, and it just stuck.  I have some great memories dancing with Marie to that song in our kitchen after dinner.

15.   Compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder? Definitely happier.

thinner or fatter? Surprisingly thinner, thanks to Zumba, yoga, and a good workout partner.

richer or poorer? Richer, but since we were poorer for a long time, we are soon going to break even.

16.   What do you wish you’d done more of?

Played more with Thomas.

17.   What do you wish you’d done less of?

Cleaning.  I. Hate. Cleaning.  Hate it!

18.   How did you spend Christmas?

Making memories with The Babes.  Seeing how excited Thomas was that Santa brought him train table will forever be etched into my heart.

I also spent it renewing relationships with familyand friends.

Warm fuzzy family memories *and* spending time with loved ones: that is the true meaning of Christmas to me.

19.   What was your favorite TV program?

Modern Family.  Without a doubt.

20.   What were your favorite books of the year?

The Help.

Water for Elephants.

21.   What was your favorite music from this year?

I can’t say it was my favorite by a long shot, but I did listen to a lot of Disney movie music.  A. Lot.

22.   What were your favorite films of the year?

Besides Cars 2?  (One of the three movies that I saw in the theater this year?  The other one being the new Winnie the Pooh movie)?

It would have to be The Help.  And Bridesmaids.

23.   What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

For my 34^th birthday, I ate my favorite pizza, my Mom’s homemade Cassata cake, and toasted with champagne with my family.  Perfection.

24.   What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Hmmm, that’s a tough one.  Less drama, however, I would not have made such strides in keeping my distance if it wasn’t there, right?

25.   How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

I am emerging from my warm-ups uniform and experimenting with leggings and boots and jeans that fit!  I feel that I am kind of rediscovering what looks good on me yet fits my lifestyle.

26.   What kept you sane?

Blogging, yoga, early morning walks with my friend, and Zumba.

27.   Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

I learned the importance of listening to the physical cues my body gives me so I can take better care of myself, thanks to five months of physical therapy.  Physical therapy also taught me that I sometimes need to tear it all down so it can be rebuild it correctly.  “It” refers to my body, but I found it transcended to other areas of my life.

I learned that a regular schedule of physical exercise makes me less cranky and more positive.

I learned that when I follow my passion and am open to possibilities instead of forcing my preconceived notion of how things *should* be into existence, life can be full of amazing surprises.

Getting over a paralyzing fear can do incredible things for my self-esteem across the board.

I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year!  Feel free to copy this down and link it up in the comments.  I’d love to hear how your year went!