Thursday, January 28, 2010

Future Master of the Universe

If I ever become Master of the Universe, there would be a few things I would change. First of all, I would make sure that one could buy a case of jarred baby food in a variety pack. If you have a baby who eats like a teenage boy, you would understand. I hate having to put at least 14 jars (1 weeks supply, and that’s just the meet and vegetable mix) plus a bunch of fruit and vegetables containers in my cart, unload each of them from my cart, watch the cash register person ring up each of them, watch the bagger bag each of them, and then put each of them away in the cupboard. I’m just saying, people at Gerber, it would be great if you could do that before I became the Master of the Universe . . . as long as you gave me credit, of course. And as Future Master of the Universe, it may be a good idea to do so.

Another thing I would change is that Caribou would take over Starbucks, and I would ensure that Caribou would have a delivery service. If you have small babies that nap and/or live in the freezing depths of the Midwest, you understand. If Thomas is napping, it is strongly frowned upon leaving his sleeping in his crib while I go out and score a caffeine fix from Caribou. And if he’s not and it’s freezing cold, it hardly seems worth bundling up both babes. And yes, I make coffee at home and make it fun with my CafĂ© Motion machine, but it would be nice to have options.

Most importantly, I would make people wear signs. Not just a Hello-My-Name-Is (insert identity here). That tells me nothing. I think a sign that tells the truth about you would be much more constructive. For instance, there is someone, his name is Richard* but I’ll call him Dick, that constantly says one thing (always the one thing I want to hear) and then does the EXACT OPPOSITE. Dick promises to have us over more often, but when the opportunity arises, he does not ask. Dick promises that he will communicate more effectively, but still uses the old, ineffective channels that result in failure. You would think that after a couple gagillion times that I would get a clue. But I value truth and honesty, and I operate under the assumption that everyone else does, too. I become confused when someone says one thing and then do something that doesn’t match up. I begin to panic and think I misunderstood something and think that I must be the one at fault. After much pondering, I think the only thing that I am at fault is thinking Dick is actually going to do what he says he’s going to do. And this is where the sign comes in. His sign would read, “I lie to your face and tell you what you want to hear and proceed to do what I want to do which is the direct opposite of what I said I was going to do.” If I saw that, it would alleviate all of my confusion, misplaced guilt, and disappointment. Here are some other signs that may be helpful:

- I do nice things for others for the sole reason to brag about it. To everyone.

- I am mean and nasty to overcompensate for my feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.

- No matter what I say or do, I am about one person: me.

- I don’t do anything that’s not convenient for me because I am lazy.

- I prefer to be ignorant because it’s easier.

Don’t you think life would be so much easier if everyone wore the sign that best described themselves rather than being confused?

In case you are wondering, my sign would read, “I am truthful and believe in doing the right thing (and therefore hold the same standard for everyone else and can be a bit judge-y if you don’t follow suit). There I said it! It’s not exactly flattering, but it’s the truth (and my Mama always says, “No one likes a truth-sayer”). (And some people interpret that as being a bitch, so whatever).

So, what would your sign say (and be honest because you know I can be a bit judge-y if you are lying). Do any of those other signs above fit anyone in your life? Do tell!

*Names have been changed and vagueness has been added to protect the guilty.

Friday, January 22, 2010

“I feel like I am taking crazy pills!”

*Names have been changed and vagueness has been added to protect the guilty.

So last weekend, I was having dinner with some people I have known forever, and for the most part, I have a good relationship with most of them. So we are eating and chatting and having a grand old time. All of a sudden, Dee Jay* starts to talk about his plans for the rest of the weekend, which is pretty normal since he always has big plans for the weekend. (It should also be noted that although Dee Jay LOVES to talk about his life and plans, he does not like answering any questions about any such subjects and will feel free to express himself in a very explosive articulate manner. So to make a long story short, I don’t ask questions). All this talk was going along a very normal and predictable path when it took a sharp turn to WTF-ville. Let me illustrate with a summary of the conversation.

Dee Jay: So I am not working tonight, and I have nothing else really going on. So I think I am going to turn myself in since there is a warrant out for my arrest. (See that sharp turn I was talking about?)

Me: (Silence). (The scrolling marquee in my head kept on repeating, “WTF!?”) (I am confused because no one else is saying ANYTHING. Everyone seems to think this is normal).

Dee Jay: Yeah, I am just thinking it might be easier to go tonight, but I am going to call my cop friend to see if Friday night is the best night. Because I can’t take care of all my new car stuff/old car insurance claim stuff if there is a warrant out for my arrest. And after I pay my fine, I am going to hang out with my girlfriend at her house.

Me: (Blink. Blink). Oh, OK.

Dee Jay: Oh, Marie did you want more olives? Pass the salad.

As I looked around the table and no one even batted an eye, my inner Mugatu wanted to stand up and shout, “I feel like I am taking crazy pills, people! Didn’t you hear what he said?! A warrant out for his arrest!” How weird is it that no one said ANYTHING, not a word, not even a questioning glance about this news? I hated being a lame-ass sheep and following the crowd on this one by not saying anything, but I didn’t want to ask questions. I then, for certain, may create a situation in which Dee Jay would belligerently energetically convey his strong disdain for answering such honest stupid questions.

So I waited until after he was gone to do my investigating and discovered his warrant was only for a parking ticket. Which is pretty minor considering the law and Dee Jay aren’t exactly strangers (although this is the first time he has had a warrant out for his arrest, to the best of my knowledge). I guess some people (obviously not me) already knew about it, too. But whatever. I guess I’m just taking crazy pills . . .

So, people, tell me your Mugatu “I feel like I am taking crazy pills!” moment in a conversation?

Monday, January 11, 2010

I *heart* Aunt Becky!

One of my favorite bloggers, Aunt Becky, is doing great things this year! And it’s only the middle of January!! She recently became incorporated! She is also launching a new website and doing all kinds of crazy-cool stuff! She’s having a contest to win an Amazon gift card, and to enter, I had to answer her questions. So here’s some random stuff I know you were just chomping at the bit to discover about me.

1) Dave and I have a long-standing feud over cheese in a can. He thinks it’s food of The Gods while I think it’s probably Of The Devil. Your take? – Of The Devil. Gross! If you are going to go with a cheese food product, then Velveeta or American cheese.

2) Is there any way you can think of to make the elder Gosselins go away? I AM ALL EARS. – Stop buying magazines with their faces and messed up haircuts on the cover.

3) Who is your ridiculous “I can’t admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life” crush? – Hmmm, that’s a tough one. Most people think it’s weird that I have a crush on Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life.

4) If you could fuck it all and pursue your dream (assuming, of course, you were going to be GOOD at it), what would that dream be? – A writer!

5) They say “living well is the best revenge.” I think they are wrong. Do you? – No, I totally disagree with you. I think living well is the best revenge. Come to think of it, I guess my revenge fantasies have always been living better. Living well is for you and not against anyone else, and chances are those people you want revenge on are not dwelling of you. I rather attempt to spend my energy on making myself better. Having said all that, karma is a bitch!

6) What is the most humiliation you’ve experienced in public that you’d be willing to admit to The Internet? – Most recently, my daughter and I were in a crowded, noisy public bathroom. I knocked on the door (which happened to be handicapped), and no one answered. So I opened the door and had Marie walk in. I was busy closing the door and couldn’t quite hear what Marie was saying. As I turn around, there is a lady sitting on the toilet, mid-wipe. I wanted to DIE I was so EMBARRASSED!! Luckily, another stall opened up before she was able to get out.

7) Are you honest with The Internet? Like, if I came over to your house tonight (heh)(I’m coming over, yo)(heh) would I be surprised at who I found? – Looks-wise, yes, you would be surprised because I don’t look a thing like that picture in my profile. I am less cartoon-esque than that. But content-wise, I think I represent myself as I am in real life.

8 ) If you could have one talent that you don’t currently possess, what would it be?- I would LOVE to be able to sing. I think it would be so much fun to able to karaoke and not have people run away in pain and agony because I can’t carry a tune.

9) There’s not always room for Jell-O. Is there? - No, Jell-O is gross! The only thing grosser than Jell-O is Jell-O jigglers!

10) What’s your guiltiest of the guilty pleasures? – Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby ice cream for sure! A great bottle of wine (I love Red Bicycle Chardonnay or Quetcerto Chianti). All my favorite DVR’d shows like Real Housewives of Orange County, Celebrity Rehab, Big Love . . . and the list goes on and on!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Hello, 2010!

I am so glad that 2009 is over, mostly because of all of this and the unexpected new roof and slew of ear infections that plagued poor Thomas. So I am excited to start fresh this year, but I hate using the word “resolution” because it’s like using the word diet: it’s destined to fail. Instead, I prefer to set personal goals (and healthy eating instead of diet). So here are some of my personal goals: Become unafraid of money and budgets since it’s like a huge, scary story problem which just made my brain hurt when I was in school. I also plan on blogging more and finding more interesting blogs to read (so if you know any that you love, send me the link)! I also plan on practicing this as well. So hello, 2010!!

And because Aunt Becky constantly inspires me, she did this on her blog and suggested to cut and paste on our blog. Feel free to do the same . . .

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
I had a son and fell hard core in love at first sight. I also enrolled my daughter in preschool and watched her start her own life with the same kind of feelings of that a roller coaster renders (fear, excitement, thrilling). Oh, and blogging, too.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t remember making any last year, but I do have some personal goals. See above.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, me!
4. Did anyone close to you die?

5. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Inner peace and more sleep.

6. What countries did you visit?

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
March 28, Thomas’s birthday.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Teaching Marie empathy and watching her apply it in her life, producing a magical Christmas holiday for the kids, and loosing 98% of my baby weight in less than a year.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being too snippy with Harrington.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Baby Jogger City Mini Double Stroller. I will never underestimate the power of a good stroller to get me and the Babes out of the house. Total sanity saver.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine – I pushed through a lot of crap this year and feel stronger because of it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A few people, but why focus on the negative?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Diapers, medical bills, and a new roof.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing No Doubt in concert in excellent seats due to a free upgrade was pretty cool. Decorating Thomas’s room was awesome. Going to Holiday Nights at Greenfield Village with my family, Mother-in-law, and Sister-in-law and her family was really fun, too! Oh, and going to see John Edwards (the medium, not the politician) for my birthday with my Mom was fantastic!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I rediscovered the Juno soundtrack and introduced it to Marie, but mostly “All I Want is You” by Barry Louis Polisar and “Sea of Love” by Cat Power (which I sing to Thomas before he goes night-night).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Way happier!
ii. thinner or fatter? Much thinner since I am not hosting another human being in my own body.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Going to doctor’s offices and hospitals.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Not the same way I did this year.

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.
I’ll make up my own question here, then. Hmmm.
Name one random thing that people would be surprised to know about you.
I love the Andrews Sisters.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
23. How many one-night stands?
Wow, that’s personal, but since you asked, the number is 0.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Modern Family, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, Tough Love, Real Housewives franchise, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, The Office, and Grey’s Anatomy.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, that list is pretty much the same. What has changed is who has made it off my shit list, and that is always nice and refreshing.

26. What was the best book you read?
Official Book Club Selection: Kathy Griffin’s Memoir

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Rediscovering the Juno soundtrack.

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to fit into my post-Marie clothes and I did!

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Hangover. (Bradley Cooper is smokin’ HOT)!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32. We got cupcakes from the Cupcake kitchen with the Babes, and Harrington and I had yummy hors devours and wine for dinner at home. Later we celebrated with my parents with my favorite pizza. My mother-in-law gave me the awesome gift of coffee in the form of a Starbucks gift card. I went out with my girlfriends for the first time in about six years. It was a great birthday!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More sleep. Everything is better with more sleep.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Lots of black (it’s slimming) and Champion active wear.

34. What kept you sane?
Writing, blogging, scrapbooking, and working out.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmm, Tiger Woods was pretty crazy this year.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Issues as well as political figures did a lot of stirring.

37. Whom did you miss?
Aunt Clara.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Tracy. She is awesome!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
Setting personal boundaries is hard, but totally worth it!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" Clarence, It's a Wonderful Life

When I was recovering from my C-section and my bout of pneumonia, I realized how much I really do and my family depend on me. This quote also gives me strength when I feel overwhelmed.

So People, what are your thoughts on 2010? How would you answer these questions?