Winter Struggles and Yoga

I’ve been blogging consistently since June of 2009.  I’ve never taken more than 3 weeks off in the very beginning.

Until now.

This winter has been tough, and I’ve been running on empty.  It took forever to shake off the holiday stress.  I also completely underestimated the need to regroup after pouring my heart out into my first rough draft of my book. 

In addition to my struggles, Marie was having her own, and this was in fact, my breaking point.  Issues from her babyhood that I thought were far behind us started to sneak up on us again.  Her anxiety also spiked during the holidays.  I was doing my best to hold it all together while taking Marie to her various appointments, but I was overwhelmed and scared.  And of course mom guilt generously paraded out the what ifs, forcing me to reexamine every parenting decision I have made over the last 9 ½ years.

Oh, mom guilt.  It’s the absolute worst.

That aside, seeing your child struggle is so heartbreaking.  As a mom, my wellbeing is tied so tightly to each child’s contentment.  As much as I believe this is an inescapable dynamic of motherhood, I was so tangled up with her that I could not tell where her pain ended and my suffering began.

The energy needed to manage the kids’ daily activities was already spent obsessing about Marie’s needs.  The constant hum of fear made me feel grumpy and irritable which, inevitably, turned to into depression.

I cried a lot.  I had unexplained headaches for weeks on end.  Hip and joint pain.  Stomach cramps.

I began to suspect something was seriously wrong, but at the time, I honestly did not see a correlation to my health ailments and stress. But I knew something had to change.

After a long week of running the kids around to their appointments, swim practice, and gymnastics while Harrington was out of town, I decided to go to a Friday night yoga class.  Usually Friday nights are reserved to eating pizza and watching a shitty kids show before racing off to swim practice and then passing out at 9:15pm.  *If* I am lucky.

Instead, I gave myself two hours off.  I was not responsible for taking Marie to swim.  I didn’t have to stay home with Thomas and play (re: be directed by his specific storyline) with his Imaginext characters.

After class, I felt amazing.  The weekend was definitely more chill.  And only then did I realize how much I needed to just take a break from the grind and just breathe, not only for me, but also for my family.

 I have decided to up my Tuesday/Friday practice to a 30-day challenge: everyday for 30 days I will do some sort of yoga.  Red Lotus Yoga  is one of my happy places, but I will also be doing some at home.

I’m a few days in, so I’ll definitely check back in and let you know how I am doing.  What I know for sure is that if I am going to show up for my family and be ready to write, I need to give my mind a break from all of the thinking.

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Since I am committing more time to writing my book, my blog might not be as active.

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Thankful Thursday: Running, Nature, and Yoga

This week, I am thankful for running, nature, and yoga.

Gah!  I cringe just typing that because 10 years ago I would have walked away from any conversation in which someone pledged her affinity to any of those things.

But 10 years ago, I didn’t really know how to take care of myself.  I was a big ball of hot, reactive energy.  At the time, I viewed it as passion, but the truth was I just didn’t have the tools manage my feelings in a responsible way.  I was anxious all the time, whether it was at work or planning a wedding or being newly married. 

I hated anything that made me have to deal with my anxiety which made running, nature, and yoga unbearable.  Being alone with my thoughts was like a hamster running on a wheel – lots of activity, but accomplishing nothing.

This eventually caught up with me after Thomas was born.  I’ve talked about being on medication and being misdiagnosed, but either way, I was set upon my course of finding inner peace.

So slowly by trial and lots and lots of error, I found my magic combo: running outside and yoga. **

The running part I get; I used to run a lot as a kid, and it just felt good. However, I didn’t grow up with an innate connection to nature.  In fact, I have a vivid childhood memory of going outside and was immediately disgusted by all the bugs flying around our wooded backyard.  Horrified, I went inside and read a book.

I am not sure where this newfound fondness to nature came from, but there is something so comforting about it now.

I mean, look at these pics from my run:

Yoga, well, yoga has definitely  has toned my shoulders.  I have been going so regularly these days, Red Lotus Yoga is kind of like my Cheers bar.  I run late almost every Friday.  One Friday, the teacher and the receptionist said, “Erin, don’t worry.  We signed you in.  Go on to class.”

I love starting my Friday off with Eliza and Alyssa!  Alyssa is one of my favorite teachers EVER!

I was taken surprise by how deeply comforted this simple gesture made me feel.

Anyway, I don’t go to church, but at yoga, I do feel a connection to something bigger than myself.  When I am quiet and encouraged to set an intention, I am able to feel peaceful and able to find a sense of gratitude that is naturally very difficult for me. 

I am not saying that every day I’m floating on a blissful cloud of inner peace, but I do notice little changes that make me feel more in charge of my emotions that have, in turn, given me a better chance at feeling more at peace.

So if you were to tell me I’d love running outside and practicing yoga so much that I am now a regular at the yoga studio, I would have laughed a cynical laugh.

Thankfully, I am not that person anymore.

**This combo works for me.  Everyone’s magic combo is different, and I commend anyone who is able to figure that out, whatever that combo may be.

My Post at Whole Living

Hi! Today I am posting at WholeLiving.com about my journey to yoga.  Here's the link!
Have a great day!

Feel Good Friday – Stream of Consciousness

Hosted by Lia Sophia Tomgirl

I just got done cleaning up this friggin’ dump honing my housekeeping skills. And now I will attempt to let my stream of consciousness flow while my Partner in Crime eats her snack right next to me while asking me a ga-gillion questions about the inner-workings of Microsoft Word.
Ready. Set. Go

- I love how when I cough, Thomas (who is not quite two years old yet) asks me if I am OK and tells me to drink some water. I also love how he blows on my coffee because he thinks it’s hot and then brings the cup to my mouth. Seriously. How. Adorable. Is. That.

- I am super excited that I finally bought a yoga package at Red Lotus Yoga. It feels good to make a commitment to yoga. I love the studio, the people, and the teachers; it’s such a nice community. I really feel lucky to have found this place.

- I love how, despite the surprise snow storm (although that’s a bit of an oxymoron since I live in Michigan), technology and The Internet Machine helped me get a ton of shopping done while trapped in my house. No way was I going to let weather get in my way of shopping for Birthday Season and our California trip.

- Speaking of California, I will be in Dana Point in two weeks. As I stated on Facebook and Twitter, I am insanely jealous that Al Roker was in Miami for the South Beach Food Festival today and in LA for the Oscars this weekend while I am here. In Michigan. Honing my housekeeping skills. But then I was all like, that’s right, I will be in Dana Point on Monarch Beach in two weeks! WIN! Which is what I am choosing to focus on rather than the overwhelming amount of prep work that must be done before that.

- On a related note, does anyone know of any awesome restaurants in or around Dana Point? I would love to hear some of your suggestions.

So that’s making me feel good this Friday. How about you? What’s making you feel good this week?

Also, don’t forget to forward any of your Dana Point/Laguna Beach restaurant suggestions my way!

Hermy the Elf is a Genius

I’m in a funk.

It started out first as wanting to rest after the holidays.

Well, that was three weeks ago, and I still don’t want to get off the couch. This cozy-let’s-drink-coffee-and-hot-cocoa-and-cuddle-and-watch-tv-all-day feeling has turned into I-think-my-brain-might-be-turning-into-oatmeal-and-not-the-hearty-old-fashioned-oats-kind-but-the-nutrion-depleted-instant –kind feeling.

And because winter’s cozy feeling is so cunning and sneaky, I can’t quite remember which came first: am I sad because I am not doing anything? Or am I not doing anything because I am sad.

I think I can say both.

The holidays and all their shenanigans totally sucked my will to live. So I think what started out as recovering from a rough couple of weeks has turned into a self-reflection marathon in which I have had to come to terms with a few things.

Relationships can be a bitch. They can be messy, difficult, and confusing. But when they start to be more frustrating than supportive . . . what do you do?

And why should I care if it’s not with the three people with whom I am legally bound (that kind of sounds like I may be talking about sister wives, but I am talking about Harrington and The Babes. Note to self: you may be too emotionally invested into Big Love).

And then I read this in Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Committed, in which she quotes psychologist Carol Gilligan, “Women’s sense of integrity seems to be entwined with an ethic of care, so that to see themselves as women is to see themselves in a relationship of connection.” Banks goes on to talk about how this “fierce instinct for entwinement” can cause women to “make bad choices” for the “greater good.”

Now the context of this passage is marriage, but I can totally apply it to my life and choices I have made in other relationships. I mean, who hasn’t put their self-worth aside or done something that they felt was in the complete opposite direction of their inner-compass in order to keep a relationship from derailing?

Me. Anyone else?

If so, then let’s all meet on the Island of Misfit Toys from the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer movie. Because Hermy the Elf? You know the one who dared to follow his own happiness? He speaks such sweet truth:

Why am I such a misfit?
I am not just a nit wit!
They can't fire me.
I QUIT!
We may be different from the rest
Who decides the test
Of what is really best?
We're a couple of misfits
We're a couple of misfits
What's the matter with misfits
That's where we fit in!

So screw this feeling of ickiness. I’m supposed to be on the Bringing the Happy Back World Tour Bus. And this is not OK.


So today I got my ass out of bed early and did yoga and even left the house to go to Target. And you know what? I feel better.

And then I found this status update that totally inspired me:

In life there's gonna be times when you're feeling low...and in your mind insecurities seem to take control..we start to look outside ourselves for acceptance and approval. We keep forgetting that the one thing we should know is...Don't be scared to fly alone..Find a path that is your own..love will open every door..Don't hold back and always know...All the answers you will unfold
Christina Aguilera

I rather be a misfit than a dead, heartless robot that goes about pins her happiness on others. That. Never. Works. Ever.

So what demons are you wrestling with today?


Tune in tomorrow where I have a light and fun post about a review I will be doing soon! Yea!

The Year-End Review

For those who celebrate Christmas, I hope you had a nice holiday. Mine was good . . . for the most part. However, I am not ready for a postmortem post about all the merriment. See, we did some things differently this year. And some of it went really, really well. And other things didn’t quite happen as I had envisioned. Or even a mediocre alternative. Stay tuned for another post.

 

So moving forward (to give me time to process Christmas), I am doing The Year-End Review that I found at Whole Living by Sarah Susanka , the author of The Not So Big Life. (And I will also be attempting The Whole Living Action Plan 28-Day Challenge starting Monday. I. am. nervous. Check out these recipes!! Stay tuned for more posts about that. And please feel free to join me in this challenge. I’d love the company).


And here I present to you my Year-End Review:

THE PAST YEAR
How have you spent your time?

I have spent the majority of my time taking care of The Babes

 

• Meeting their basic needs.
• Molding their young minds into kind-hearted human beings. (Oooh, that sounds simple, but those on the front lines of motherhood know that this is no easy task. If it was, therapists would be out of business).
• Cultivating a relationship between The Babes. (It seems to be working).

 

You know what's so great about this?
 I didn't even ask them to pose.

Marie had just fallen off the broom and
wanted to be sure Thomas didn't.

Playing alone.  Without me to moderate.

Pretend sleepovers.

 

I have also been really working on writing and my blog.

• Thank you much, Mommy Wants Vodka and your concept of Bringing Aunt Becky Back. You have helped me brush the dust off and wipe the sleep from my eyes. And guess what? I am still here. Different, but here.

 

What are you grateful for?

• For my Babes and all they have taught me about being a good person.
• Writing and blogging. It has done wonders for my self-confidence. Also all the wonderful people I have connected with, all by putting myself out there.
• BlogHer 10, thank you for showing me all the wonderful things that can happen with blogging and writing.

 

What were your sorrows/disappointments?

There has been a lot of disappointment surrounding some of my personal relationships.

• “No” is a powerful word. And sadly, some “relationships” cannot withstand “no.”
• Some relationships were not what they appeared to be.
• When I was busy pouring myself into certain relationships, I failed to notice I was the only one showing up.

 

Cold hard truth: one person cannot carry the weight of a healthy relationship.

 Sad? Yes, I have cried buckets. However, it is . . . freeing, you know, not to feel drained.

 

What books, films, etc. moved you?

• Eat Pray Love moved me (The book, not the movie . . . although the scenery in the movie was beautiful). . Have you ever read something and felt like someone took the words right out of your head and displayed them elegantly on the pages for you to read? This was that book for me. Minus the divorce and travel.

• Also Princess and the Frog. (I can hear your snickers, you know.) The message of balance between career and personal life is priceless. Also, The Babes and I bonded over the CD (especially on the trip to BlogHer10). And Thomas insists that I sing “Down in New Orleans.” Every night. At LEAST three times before I put him in his crib.

 

THE PRESENT

How are you different from the way you were a year ago?

• I understand me better.
• Better understanding of my personal boundaries and limits.
• More confident as a mother.
• Definitely understand the importance of fueling up my tank with healthy things that make me feel good, like writing, yoga, and exercising. I used to look at these things as a luxury, but now a necessity.

How can you integrate the lessons of the past year?

• Honor my personal boundaries and limits.
• Not feel guilty when I make a choice in the best interest of my family, and someone does not like it.

 This is hard. I think it all boils down to quieting the external noise and focusing on my instincts. And when people are not happy (especially when they hear the word “no”), they make a. lot. of. noise. But those instincts of mine? Rarely wrong.

 

Is there anything you’re trying to force into existence right now? If so, what would happen if you stopped?

• Yes. See above about personal relationships. I am pretty sure that if I stopped forcing certain relationships to be what I thought they were, I would eventually be happier.

• And everything is better when I am happy.

 

 

THE FUTURE

What do you want to focus on in the coming year?

• Be the best mother I can be.
• More date nights with Harrington.
• Keep on writing and blogging.
• More yoga.
• Focusing on the healthy relationships.
• Find more like-minded people who share my values.

Simply put, I want to be the best version of myself. I think only good can come of that, right?

 

 

So, Friends, where have you been in 2010? Where are you going?

 

And if you are interested in doing the 28-Day Whole Living Action Plan, let me know. I could use some team spirit. *spirit fingers*

 

“Honor the Goodness in You”

First of all, I apologize that I could not get my Movie Monday post up yesterday. There were technical difficulties beyond my control. I will have it ready for next Monday. Here’s the last Movie Monday post if you want to check it out.

For one of my Feel Good Friday posts, I talked about my new favorite place, Red Lotus Yoga. Last Saturday, I wasn’t even supposed to go to yoga. We were supposed to be out of town, but the people we were visiting became sick. When the trip was cancelled, Harrington was supposed to take Marie to her class. Those plans were changed when Harrington had to help my brother move. So I ended up taking her, which I was totally happy to do so.

The teacher that teaches this class is so inspirational that I feel like my spirit gets filled up while my core gets a work out. I love it! But this last time, she said something that struck a chord so deep in me that it brought tears to my eyes.

“Honor the goodness in you.”

It reminded me that I am a good person. Often times I forget that.

I am the nagging mommy.

I am the needy wife.

I am the protector of my personal boundaries when they are being threatened.

And all that wears on me and can make me feel like a bad person, especially that last one.

Often times, people don’t want to hear “No.” There are consequences for saying that dreaded word. Some relationships cannot withstand the word “no.” And people often don’t want to take responsibility for crossing over boundaries and place the blame on the enforcer. And it’s hard for me not to feel guilty.

I think that I am hardwired to assume responsibility for things that are not in my control.

It’s amazing how one comment triggered the swirling of all these feelings and realizations. I am so thankful that the twist and turn of events led me to that class.

Being strong in your convictions is not easy. As my Mother always says, “No one likes a whistle blower.” But I am not going to allow someone else’s view of me skew who I really am.

There is goodness inside of me.

And I am thankful for that reminder.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving! I’ll see you back here for Movie Monday (for real this time)!

Feel Good Friday – My New Favorite Place

Be sure to check out The Girl Next Door Grows Up and join in for Feel Good Fridayhttp://www.thegirlnextdoorgrowsup.com/

The journey to find My New Favorite Place was twisty and turney with no final destination in mind, really. It’s not like I started out with the thought that I would find My New Favorite Place, but it just sort of happened.

It all began with my first experience with yoga . . .

The first time I tried yoga, I was in my early 20’s, taking it in a big gym setting, and was not ready. I was not ready to quiet down the chatter in my head. I was not ready close my eyes and only focus on me; I was too interested in comparing looking at others.

The second time tried, Marie was 18 months old, and I was tired of trying to keep up in my traditional aerobic classes. I wanted to mentally recharge myself as well as workout. Even though it was in a gym (with the kick boxing class’s music blasting next door), I really liked it. It just felt right. I was ready.

And then I was pregnant with Thomas and was so sick, I had to stop.

Meanwhile, I was trying to find an activity for Marie to do that wasn’t competitive yet active. Her personality is not the kind that would do well in a team sports setting because she doesn’t handle pressure too well. Also, dance was out of the picture because going up on stage just isn’t her thing, either. So I thought yoga might be a good fit for her; active and engaging along with inspiring story telling.

I live in a Michigan suburb that hasn’t quite embraced the idea of children’s yoga. However, 3 towns over, I did find a studio that had a teacher trained just for children’s yoga. It’s a 30 minute drive, but it’s totally worth it. Marie has been taking yoga for about 9 months now, and she LOVES it.

My new favorite place is Red Lotus Yoga.

Why is it your new favorite place where Marie is taking yoga for 9 months, you may be wondering?

At its old location, there was only one studio so the parents waited in the lobby. Not just any lobby. A quiet lobby with the comfiest couch EVER! I would look forward to just sitting there for 45 minutes and not having to do or say anything.

But at their new location, there are two studios. So they have added an adult class at the same time as their kid’s class. GENIUS! So instead of sitting there, I now get to take a yoga class.

I didn’t think taking a yoga class in a yoga studio would be any different than taking it at the gym.

I was wrong, so very, very wrong.

First of all, the studio’s vibe is peaceful and happy. It appears that everyone who is there is happy to be there. It even smells peaceful.

Second of all, it’s quiet. Do you know how rare it is to be somewhere in the middle of a Saturday afternoon and have it be quiet? The lessons about self-acceptance that the teachers talk about during the class nudge something deep inside of me. I soak up all that quiet, peacefulness, and wisdom, and I feel rejuvenated.

And I can even be this calm and focused while Marie is there because I know she is having a great time in her own class. It’s not very often that I can relax like that when she’s doing her own thing because my ears are always perked in watchdog mode. Something about the atmosphere and the teachers make this “letting go” phenomenon possible.

When I say studio, I really should say center. They not only have yoga classes, but there are all sorts of special workshops that focus on wellbeing. I went to a meditation one a few weeks ago, and I loved it. It’s like this little community, and I am excited to have found it.

I feel there’s this side of me that I have always wanted to develop, a more spiritual side. Traditional religious services don’t always resonate with me. Besides that, I never knew where to go.

But perhaps I wasn’t ready yet.

So in the quest of finding the right activity for my daughter, I have stumbled upon an oasis that is helping me figure out how to be the best version of myself.

How could I not feel good about that?!

So what’s your favorite place to be? I’d love to hear about it!

Have a great weekend!