Winter Struggles and Yoga

I’ve been blogging consistently since June of 2009.  I’ve never taken more than 3 weeks off in the very beginning.

Until now.

This winter has been tough, and I’ve been running on empty.  It took forever to shake off the holiday stress.  I also completely underestimated the need to regroup after pouring my heart out into my first rough draft of my book. 

In addition to my struggles, Marie was having her own, and this was in fact, my breaking point.  Issues from her babyhood that I thought were far behind us started to sneak up on us again.  Her anxiety also spiked during the holidays.  I was doing my best to hold it all together while taking Marie to her various appointments, but I was overwhelmed and scared.  And of course mom guilt generously paraded out the what ifs, forcing me to reexamine every parenting decision I have made over the last 9 ½ years.

Oh, mom guilt.  It’s the absolute worst.

That aside, seeing your child struggle is so heartbreaking.  As a mom, my wellbeing is tied so tightly to each child’s contentment.  As much as I believe this is an inescapable dynamic of motherhood, I was so tangled up with her that I could not tell where her pain ended and my suffering began.

The energy needed to manage the kids’ daily activities was already spent obsessing about Marie’s needs.  The constant hum of fear made me feel grumpy and irritable which, inevitably, turned to into depression.

I cried a lot.  I had unexplained headaches for weeks on end.  Hip and joint pain.  Stomach cramps.

I began to suspect something was seriously wrong, but at the time, I honestly did not see a correlation to my health ailments and stress. But I knew something had to change.

After a long week of running the kids around to their appointments, swim practice, and gymnastics while Harrington was out of town, I decided to go to a Friday night yoga class.  Usually Friday nights are reserved to eating pizza and watching a shitty kids show before racing off to swim practice and then passing out at 9:15pm.  *If* I am lucky.

Instead, I gave myself two hours off.  I was not responsible for taking Marie to swim.  I didn’t have to stay home with Thomas and play (re: be directed by his specific storyline) with his Imaginext characters.

After class, I felt amazing.  The weekend was definitely more chill.  And only then did I realize how much I needed to just take a break from the grind and just breathe, not only for me, but also for my family.

 I have decided to up my Tuesday/Friday practice to a 30-day challenge: everyday for 30 days I will do some sort of yoga.  Red Lotus Yoga  is one of my happy places, but I will also be doing some at home.

I’m a few days in, so I’ll definitely check back in and let you know how I am doing.  What I know for sure is that if I am going to show up for my family and be ready to write, I need to give my mind a break from all of the thinking.

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Since I am committing more time to writing my book, my blog might not be as active.

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Treating Myself: Daffodils and Sister Pie

 I am sick of winter – Sick. Of. It.  

I am tired of the cold, the snow, and the pervasiveness of winter germs.

Done.

I try not to complain about the ever-looming winter because I live in the frozen tundra of the Midwest.   But being cooped up in -25 degree weather along with taking care of sick children has made this winter way too intense.  My mental health is suffering. 

So I decided I needed to do little things to brighten up these long days of winter.

I indulged in a $3 bouquet of daffodils at Trader Joe's. When I am feeling overwhelmed, I don't usually get excited about bringing something else in my life that needs care and attention, but I could not resist how springy and friendly they looked.

Ray of sunshine

I also did something that I had been waiting to do for a long time: I ordered pies and cookies from Sister Pie, a Detroit-based company.  I learned about them when we crossed path at Live in the D.  They totally had me at buckwheat chocolate chips cookies.

For months, I have been drooling over their baked goods photos on Facebook, waiting for a special occasion so I could order them. I decided doing something nice for myself was special occasion enough. 

How can you say no to that?!

So here’s a breakdown of what came in the February sampler:

Rose Pistachio and Grapefruit Lavender Shortbread Cookies

The Rose Pistachio is a buttery cookie that has just the right amount of sweetness with a nice crunch from the pistachio bits. There is also this fragrant, sweet rose flavor that is highlighted with by a slightly salty flavor at the end. And the rose glaze is delicious!  This is quite possibly the most unique cookie I have ever tasted.

The Grapefruit Lavender cookie also has the buttery shortbread  and has a bright citrus flavor paired against the subtle lavender that is just lovely.   

Honey Lemon Meringue Pie

I don't like lemon meringue pie. When I was a little girl obsessed with her Strawberry Shortcake dolls, I could never say “meringue” in Lemon Meringue’s name.   My mom said if I practiced and said it right, she would make me a lemon meringue pie. I practiced and practiced and finally said it correctly.

It was the most vile dessert ever - who would want to eat this bitter pie with meringue that looked like whipped cream, but clearly was not as delicious as whipped cream?! I accepted my destiny as a person who would never understand lemon meringue pie’s appeal.

Until I tried Sister Pie's Honey Lemon Meringue Pie. The luscious, creamy filling was the perfect balance of tart and sweet.  The meringue was delectable. Thank you, Sister Pie, for showing me just how wonderful lemon meringue pie can be. 

Salted Maple Pie

Imagine taking the maple syrup part of a pancake breakfast and turning it into it's own creamy dessert housed in the perfect piecrust (which by the way, are made with high-fat French butter.  I’m sure it is not a coincidence that they are the most rich, flakey pie crusts I’ve ever had). That is what this pie tastes like. It is flecked with these delicate salt flakes that totally brings out the maple-y sweetness. 

Red Hot Chocolate Pie

When I was in college, my friend lived in Mexico for a semester. When she came back, she brought me these squares of chocolate with cinnamon and spices to melt into hot chocolate. It was the most complex flavored hot chocolate I'd ever had - a far cry from the artificially flavored Swiss Miss I'd been drinking for years in the dorm cafeteria. 

Red Hot Chocolate pie reminds me of that Mexican hot chocolate. It's chocolaty and rich, but not super sweet with a hint of cinnamon. Then there is this cayenne spicy heat at the end that just makes this the best chocolate pie ever. 

Are you ready for this winter to be over?  What’s your favorite way to treat yourself?

**I was not compensated by Sister Pie or Trader Joe's.  I bought these delicious baked goods and beautiful flowers with my own money and opinions are mine. 

Winter, Anxiety, and Self-Care

Last Saturday night, I was pretty sure that I was having a heart attack. I was sweaty and hot; my heat was racing and my stomach hurt.  Then, I remembered my arms were hurting the week before. 

All I could think of was Rosie O’Donnell talking about the subtle symptoms of a women’s heart attack on her new documentary on HBO, A Heartfelt Standup.   After applying the Dora the Explorer Ice Pack to my head and the Lighting McQueen one to my chest, I felt a little better.

The next day I had a burning in my chest, and I felt cranky. I decided to go for a walk outside because if this wasn’t a heart attack, it was a panic attack, and I needed to relieve some pressure.

I needed some fresh air and a fresh view.

When I made an appointment with my doctor on Monday, the receptionist was very upset that I didn't go to the ER. I am upset that I didn't go. Had anyone told me that they experienced the same thing, I would have told them to go.

But there was a small kernel of doubt that it might be anxiety.  I had that itchy, agitated feeling – kind of like I imagine my computer feels like when I have a gagillion tabs opened at once.

When my EKG and blood work came back normal, I felt pretty certain it was a panic attack, even though my doctor thought it was the brined chicken wings with truffle oil appetizer and the steak with zip sauce I had for dinner the night before causing me indigestion.

Guys, this food was so amazing!  I am kind of upset with my doctor  even suggested
this culinary masterpiece may have caused my issue.

But most likely, it was an anxiety attack.  At first, I could not think of a specific event that caused this spiral.  Then again, for me, anxiety is everything and nothing at the same time.

When I really started to think about it, I remember how I have not felt like myself since January.  I attributed it to the holiday hangover/burnout.  Then there were some snow days, and then Thomas had the stomach flu  and then more unexpected illnesses with extended family.  Next thing I know, it was President’s weekend with a day off with an additional two days off due to extreme cold.  During this time, Harrington was traveling a lot.  Also note that Marie now goes to physical therapy twice a week BEFORE school which is hard enough without carrying the emotional weight of her previous time spent in PT as a baby. 

My self-care routine, which I guard closely, had s l o w l y become derailed.  Ever since becoming a mom, I've really committed to figuring out what keeps me level.  With lots (and lots) of trial and error, I have discovered that yoga/meditation, sleep, and running work for me.

With all that extra stuff going on, the first thing to go is sleep. If they are home from school, I need to get all the things done before they wake up or after they go to bed.   This will then affect my workout schedule.  And when Harrington is traveling for work, that puts another variable in my master plan to get stuff done.

Then I try to escape on my phone before bed, which is the worst thing I can do to find peace in my day.

Before I know it, my body is saying, “Whoa. Slow your roll, lady.  This is not working.”

I love my kids and I love my work, so if I am going to be embracing the things that I love, then have to make sure that I am taking care of me.

Despite -25 degree wind chill weather. 

Despite kids home for whatever reason.

Despite other people travel plans, sicknesses, or schedules.

The positive in all of this (because I really need there to be a positive at this point) is that my self-care system really works.  And I shouldn’t ever underestimate it.

Do you suffer from anxiety attacks?  How do you take care of yourself?