Summer Day Camp

 When the kids were little, the summer days rolled endlessly into one another until I couldn’t tell what day it was.  Marie and Thomas did not like the any of the same things so it seemed that no one was happy at the same time.   Nap schedules and early bedtimes and early rise times had us on lockdown. 

Life was gut-wrenchingly difficult and blissfully easy at the same time.

Our life looks nothing like that anymore.

Last week, the kids were in summer day camp.   They each got to go to one camp that was centered on something that they love.  Marie chose a really cool writing camp, and Thomas went to an animal camp since he wants to be a vet and is obsessed with animal books.

It’s exciting to see them dive into their passion, and it reminds me of how far we have come from those first summers together as a family.  And as much as I like to be there with them when they experience something new, I realize the importance of them have adventures on their own.

Loved hearing all about their day over some strawberry shortcake.
It seems that they remembered the details of the day when they had some sugar.

I embrace the spirit of summer and want my kids to spread their wings and fly!   Even though I may look calm and serene as they take flight, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared.  I mean, how could I not be!? They are my kids, and I take their personal safety very seriously. 

I can say with full confidence that the 21-page welcome letter from Marie’s camp that outlined all of the finest of details made me feel comfortable with her adventures away from home.

But Thomas’s camp sent home nothing.  And it was a travel camp, so when I dropped him off at camp, he was hopping on a bus and going somewhere new every day.  I thought, perhaps, that during the last-days-of-school madness, I misplaced the information.  But when I called the camp nervously asking for the information, the secretary at the camp office said in a very, laid-back kind of way, that they do not post that info on the website since they are not sure where the locations will be until two weeks before.

She joyfully explained that campers, age 6-12, would be going to the county fair and nature parks about 45 minutes away.

I was a little nervous that Thomas would be going so far away, but I was excited that he would be going to places that were no where on my short (or long) list of possible outings with either kid.  Yay! Isn’t that what camp is supposed to be about – new experiences without your mom or dad hovering near by?!

But when the secretary told me that they would be going to a zoo all the way in Lansing, which for non-local peeps is over an hour and a half bus ride away, I freaked the eff out. Thomas, who has just finished Kindergarten, was supposed to go that far away.  In a bus.  With essentially strangers.

I know, I know.  I sound like a helicopter mom.  And I hate that because I do want my kids to be fearless and adventurous.

When I manically questioned the camp director about safety procedures that the camp has to keep track of campers, he essentially told me that my kids would all leave the nest at some point.

But my instincts were telling me no on this part. 

And the thing about instincts - I always question them, especially when someone “in charge” is telling me that I should be cutting the cord already.

Wonder if I deprived him of an experience of a lifetime? 

Wonder if, one day while sitting in a therapist’s chair, he says that I robbed him of his independence and emasculated him at the tender age of six by denying him a field trip to the Lansing zoo?

He came home (safely) from camp each day,and he had a blast!  But then he would also cuddle with me and say that he wanted me to put him down for bed.  The week before that, he said that he misses me  . . . even though we are together all day every day.

Part of being a mom is reading between the lines of what is said and what is not being said.

So I kept him home from camp the day he was supposed to go to Lansing zoo and took him to the Detroit zoo instead.  Just me and him.  

Rare one-on-one time exploring one of his favorite places while his sister was at camp.

I love this kid!

It felt good that I could give him my undivided attention.  I think he felt good not having to compete for face time with his sister.

It just felt right.

And in they days to follow, I didn’t feel like he was hanging on to me – his bucket had been filled, and he was OK to go out and explore without me.

Summer is very much about Thomas and Marie having adventures of their own and figuring out who they are.  But it's also about me paying attention to what they say or don’t say, and then listening to that quiet voice inside to decipher the clues so I can figure out how best to guide them.

Then hoping that I did the right thing.

To Thomas: On Your First Day of Nursery School

Dear Thomas,

Today you start your very first day of Nursery School.  You woke up today so excited that today was The Day.  While we waited for the bus to come pick up Sissy this morning, you proudly told everyone, “Today I go to *my* school.  All by myself.”  And in case the people could not glean the excitement from your voice, you jumped up and down which communicated your statement in bolded, all caps and exclamation points.

Around lunchtime, as we were getting ready to leave, your energy shifted.  You became upset that you couldn’t eat your lunch at school.  I couldn’t tell if you were truly upset that you couldn’t eat your lunch at school, or if it was a diversion from actually going to school.  Daddy magically got you to come to the table and eat your lunch.   I reminded you that I packed the pictures of us in your backpack in case you missed us.  You looked up with those blue eyes and asked if your baby doll, Baby Jammies, could come with you.  I told you, “Of course.”

On the way drive to school, you were quiet.  I asked if you were scared, and you said, “I not scared.  I told you.  Just nervous.”  Pretty articulate for such a little boy.

Which makes me feel confident that you are going to be fine in school.  In fact, I think you are going to be better than fine.  You are going to be terrific!  You have such a great way of communicating your feelings.  You not only use your words, but you use your whole body and face. 

You also know all of your colors, letters (and their sounds), and numbers up to fifteen.  And last week, when I was meeting your teacher, I saw how you listened to her and were not swayed by those who were having a hard time sitting still in circle time. 

All your nervous feelings melted away once we got to school.  You were back to being excited.  I watched you as you hung up your backpack by your symbol that you chose last week and went to find the monster trucks.  No tears.  No nothing.

Today is The Day!

Thomas, you are going to rock nursery school this year!  Since you already have a lot covered before you even began school, I just want to tell you this:  that little voice that tells you right from wrong – listen to that.  Always.  We are going to be apart for four hours a week, and you won’t be able to look at me with those part curious, part mischievous eyes for an answer of what you should or should not be doing.  Listen to that little voice, and remember to always practice kindness.  There are a lot of people out there that don’t value the importance of kindness.  Give those people space because they like to make everyone around them feel small and sad. 

And you don’t deserve that.  You deserve to be around kind people that shine from in the inside.  Just like you.  You have an amazing light that shines from you.

My wish is for you to always have that light that shines from within.

I love you forever,

Mommy

To Marie: On Your First Day of First Grade

Dear Marie,

Today is your first day of first grade.  You’ve been wanting to go back for weeks now, and today is the day.  You are so excited that you have been making a fact book about London and Olympics for your teacher since watching everything Olympics (including past highlights from Beijing and Greece) was one of your favorite things this summer.

You are ready.

And you are going to rock.

To say you have a handle on reading and writing is an understatement.  Seriously, you could read, write, and create all day if I didn’t ask you to break for meals.

So here’s the thing –

Being smart and loving school is such an awesome thing, but don’t ever estimate the value of kindness.  You deserve to be around people who treat you kindly.  And on the flip side, remember the importance of practicing kindness to others.

Remember that girl who said she was your friend one day and then not the next?  Give her another chance this year.  People can change, especially if you haven’t seen them in a while.

But if she pulls these shenanigans again?  Give her the space she needs to figure out what being a true friend is all about.  You don’t deserve that kind of drama.  Ever.

Now, I can’t be there to whisper all these little things in your ear.  But in all honesty, you don’t really need me there because you, Marie, you have an amazing moral compass.  You know right from wrong.

But just keep this one very important point in mind: don’t be afraid to follow your instincts because you fear you might get in trouble or don’t want the attention.

Forget fear.  Just forget it.

Follow your gut, even if you must stand alone.  This is not easy, but let me be clear: fear will dim your light and hid the real you.

And the real you is far too beautiful to be hidden.

Let your light always shine.

 I love you forever,

Mommy

Instincts

I believe that I have strong instincts.  I feel them nagging at me in a physical way.  There is often a prick of heat in my gut or a humming in my ear.

And like a jerk, I tend to ignore them. Well, not ignore, more like rationalize away. Where's the proof? Am I overreacting? 

I'm pretty sure the lack of confidence in my instincts probably comes from this being a common theme throughout my life. Yes, experiencing self-doubt is a terrible feeling, but I'm not a victim. I'm working on trusting my gut and reclaiming my power, one personal boundary at a time.

So when I witness people unabashedly going with their instincts, I am inspired and in awe of their courage.  Reading about a mother’s journey in Little Patient,Big Doctor left me feeling motivated to trust my gut.  It's a story about how Haleh’s children had bizarre health issues that she felt the doctors were not treating correctly. She values what the doctors said, but something just didn't sit right with her.  She was never rude or arrogant; never claimed that she knew better. She just did t agree with the immune suppressing treatment she was supposed to be giving to her son if she could be make lifestyle changes instead. 

I admire that she never just blindly accepted what the doctors said. She wanted to understand the reasons for the treatments and understand the side effects.  And most of all, it something didn't feel right to her, she researched by getting other opinions and educating herself.

Although the story revolves around her sons and learning how to become your child’s advocate, my takeaway was the message of listening to instincts. 

For someone who is in the throes of doing so, Haleh’s story of listening to her instincts reassured me that sometimes that feeling in my gut is important and should not be dismissed, whether it has to do with advocating for my children or breaking ineffective behavior patterns in order to heal from old wounds .

Do you ever ignore your instincts? 

*I was provided a copy of Little Patient, Big Doctor but all my opinions are all my own. 

Portrait of Despair

I see someone I love very much on the train tracks.  She looks so small and vulnerable in the distance.  And all of a sudden, I see that a train is coming. It’s far away, but I can see the tiny prick of light from the headlight and hear the quiet whistle in a distance.

I start to yell in hopes that help will arrive.  I see others coming to her aid, but the temporary wave of relief is fleeting as I realize that the others don’t hear the train getting closer.

Now everyone is on the tracks, and I am instantly filled with anxiety because they don’t hear me screaming at them to get off the tracks nor do they hear this train rushing towards them.  This train is loud and scary, and that tiny light and whistle heard in the distance is becoming brighter and more thunderous by the second.

I yell louder and louder, desperate for someone to hear me.  I am afraid to get closer to the tracks because I don’t want to get injured.  I’ve been hit by that train more than once, more than twice.  And now I am responsible for other human beings other than myself, human beings that are now old enough to discern when something is not right,

Instead I continue to scream, “Don't you hear the train? It’s coming so fast!  Why are you ignoring it?  Why are you ignoring me?”

The train roar is deafening, covering up my desperate cries.  I cannot fathom how the people on the tracks cannot hear this.

I yell some more, but it’s futile.

The next logical step would be to run and get help, however, I’m afraid to tell anyone else because this train that is coming to destroy my loved ones, it's a secret.  When discussed with loved ones, big, angry fireworks explode to cause a distraction from the real issue, the issue of the train barreling down the tracks with no regard to anyone or anything.

 
I am stuck; immobilized by fear. No one can hear me over the rumble of the train and the blast of the fireworks, but I’m scared to tell anyone.

Even though the train is so close now and it is clear no one on the tracks can see it, self- doubt starts to creep in.  No, creep is not the right word.  More like flood in, and I am drowning in self-doubt.   Maybe this train isn't really here. Maybe I am the one imagining all of this.  It’s hard to stay focused on the train with all these volatile, abrasive fireworks going off all around me.

Until the trains hits.

It’s messy and sad and unbearable.

I thought nothing could be worse than the anxiety of trying to get others to listen.

Wrong.

Guilt. The guilt that pierces right through to my core and sickens me with its vileness - that is the worst.  It’s the guilt that I didn't protect my loved ones and keep them safe.  The guilt that I let my warped distorted sense of loyalty and the irrational duty of secret keeping prevent me from doing what was right is the worse.  It makes me feel dirty and no amount of hand washing will ever make it go away.

 
Only time seems to make the guilt slowly fade away, and I start to feel hopeful that I may start to feel normal.  I do normal things, like brush my teeth, brush my kids’ teeth, make meals, and do laundry.

But when it’s quiet, I find that guilt slowly undulates into anger and back into guilt.

When I am exhausted from the raging course of my emotions, I lay still in hopes that it is peace that emerges from the dark waters.

But right now, that is not the case.  I am left with steady flow of despair which constantly erodes my sense of well-being.    

The Light: The Perils of Seeing It . . . and A Fun CSN Giveaway!

Having kids changes everything. Obviously. One day I’m eating sugary peanut butter with reckless abandon and the next thing I know I am buying healthy organic peanut butter. Oh, and let’s not forget “healthy” chicken nuggets with omega-3 breading and Goldfish Crackers (in bulk) (eating better is a process, people!) (I’m working on it).

I think having The Babes has inspired me to want to live all around better. But better is not always easier. Sometimes better means making choices that are not at all popular, yet I feel that these choices are the best for The Babes. Gaining a new perspective on life by the virtue of having kids can be lonely. Because sometimes that means breaking away from what is familiar. Sometimes the things that I am most accustomed to (because that was the truth when growing up) are not the same things that I want to be true for my family. This is hard because muddled in all that is not good are rays of pure light and sunshine. And making boundaries to protect from what is unhealthy yet include that light is hard, to say the least.

But necessary, you know?

The process makes me kind of sad and confused. Yet hopeful.

And here comes the fun giveaway part. Remember when I had some winter blahs, and I was given a $35 credit from CSN for a review? And I got a new toaster oven and all was right with the world (or at least my kitchen)? Oh, that sweet, sweet retail therapy coupled with a free upgrade in shipping made my day. Now, CSN offered a $40 credit for a giveaway that can be used at any of CSN stores.! How awesome is that?!

Change is hard. Seeing the light can sometimes be lonely. Sometimes it can be inspiring. And sometimes seeing the light can just be fun – thanks, CSN!

Here are the rules:

Please leave a comment on this post about your favorite product of CSN.

Here’s what you must do for extra entries. Please leave a comment on this post for each thing you did. Each comment is an extra entry:

- Become a fan of CSN on Facebook (or leave a comment if you already are a fan).

- Become a fan of Mommy on the Spot on Facebook (or leave a comment if you already are a fan).

- Become a fan of Mommy on the Spot on Twitter (or leave a comment if you already are a fan).

- Become a fan of CSN on Twitter (or leave a comment if you already are a fan).

- Become a fan of this blog by either subscribing to my RSS feed or Google Friend Connect.

- Share this post on Twitter, Facebook, or any other social network site and leave a link in the comments.

Here’s what you must do to gain an extra 5 entries:

- Write your own blog post about this contest and be sure to add links to this post and CSN Light Store. Post the link of your post on Mommy on the Spot fan page.

You must live in the continental U.S. The contest will start Wednesday, April 6th and end on Wednesday, April 13th midnight EST. The winner will be picked at random. I will announce the winner on Monday, April 18th.

Good luck, everyone! And have a great week!

The Year-End Review

For those who celebrate Christmas, I hope you had a nice holiday. Mine was good . . . for the most part. However, I am not ready for a postmortem post about all the merriment. See, we did some things differently this year. And some of it went really, really well. And other things didn’t quite happen as I had envisioned. Or even a mediocre alternative. Stay tuned for another post.

 

So moving forward (to give me time to process Christmas), I am doing The Year-End Review that I found at Whole Living by Sarah Susanka , the author of The Not So Big Life. (And I will also be attempting The Whole Living Action Plan 28-Day Challenge starting Monday. I. am. nervous. Check out these recipes!! Stay tuned for more posts about that. And please feel free to join me in this challenge. I’d love the company).


And here I present to you my Year-End Review:

THE PAST YEAR
How have you spent your time?

I have spent the majority of my time taking care of The Babes

 

• Meeting their basic needs.
• Molding their young minds into kind-hearted human beings. (Oooh, that sounds simple, but those on the front lines of motherhood know that this is no easy task. If it was, therapists would be out of business).
• Cultivating a relationship between The Babes. (It seems to be working).

 

You know what's so great about this?
 I didn't even ask them to pose.

Marie had just fallen off the broom and
wanted to be sure Thomas didn't.

Playing alone.  Without me to moderate.

Pretend sleepovers.

 

I have also been really working on writing and my blog.

• Thank you much, Mommy Wants Vodka and your concept of Bringing Aunt Becky Back. You have helped me brush the dust off and wipe the sleep from my eyes. And guess what? I am still here. Different, but here.

 

What are you grateful for?

• For my Babes and all they have taught me about being a good person.
• Writing and blogging. It has done wonders for my self-confidence. Also all the wonderful people I have connected with, all by putting myself out there.
• BlogHer 10, thank you for showing me all the wonderful things that can happen with blogging and writing.

 

What were your sorrows/disappointments?

There has been a lot of disappointment surrounding some of my personal relationships.

• “No” is a powerful word. And sadly, some “relationships” cannot withstand “no.”
• Some relationships were not what they appeared to be.
• When I was busy pouring myself into certain relationships, I failed to notice I was the only one showing up.

 

Cold hard truth: one person cannot carry the weight of a healthy relationship.

 Sad? Yes, I have cried buckets. However, it is . . . freeing, you know, not to feel drained.

 

What books, films, etc. moved you?

• Eat Pray Love moved me (The book, not the movie . . . although the scenery in the movie was beautiful). . Have you ever read something and felt like someone took the words right out of your head and displayed them elegantly on the pages for you to read? This was that book for me. Minus the divorce and travel.

• Also Princess and the Frog. (I can hear your snickers, you know.) The message of balance between career and personal life is priceless. Also, The Babes and I bonded over the CD (especially on the trip to BlogHer10). And Thomas insists that I sing “Down in New Orleans.” Every night. At LEAST three times before I put him in his crib.

 

THE PRESENT

How are you different from the way you were a year ago?

• I understand me better.
• Better understanding of my personal boundaries and limits.
• More confident as a mother.
• Definitely understand the importance of fueling up my tank with healthy things that make me feel good, like writing, yoga, and exercising. I used to look at these things as a luxury, but now a necessity.

How can you integrate the lessons of the past year?

• Honor my personal boundaries and limits.
• Not feel guilty when I make a choice in the best interest of my family, and someone does not like it.

 This is hard. I think it all boils down to quieting the external noise and focusing on my instincts. And when people are not happy (especially when they hear the word “no”), they make a. lot. of. noise. But those instincts of mine? Rarely wrong.

 

Is there anything you’re trying to force into existence right now? If so, what would happen if you stopped?

• Yes. See above about personal relationships. I am pretty sure that if I stopped forcing certain relationships to be what I thought they were, I would eventually be happier.

• And everything is better when I am happy.

 

 

THE FUTURE

What do you want to focus on in the coming year?

• Be the best mother I can be.
• More date nights with Harrington.
• Keep on writing and blogging.
• More yoga.
• Focusing on the healthy relationships.
• Find more like-minded people who share my values.

Simply put, I want to be the best version of myself. I think only good can come of that, right?

 

 

So, Friends, where have you been in 2010? Where are you going?

 

And if you are interested in doing the 28-Day Whole Living Action Plan, let me know. I could use some team spirit. *spirit fingers*

 

A Word About Relationships and the Holidays

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! My celebrations with my family and Harrington’s family were great! There was lots of good food and fun to be had by all.

Even though it was great, I did start thinking about why this time of year can be kind of depressing . . . especially when it comes to relationships.

During the year, I think it’s easier to ignore how relationships really are and easier to project how we want them to be. Even though we may get clues and red flags all year long, it’s much simpler to look the other way.

But when it comes to The Holiday Season, it becomes glaringly obvious how the relationships really are.

Sometimes that is awesome. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and cozy inside. I feel just plain fortunate to have such incredible people in my life.

And sometimes it hurts. Because various relationships that I put time and energy in all year? Are draining me dry.

The Picture Perfect Holiday quickly becomes I Want to Drown My Disappointment in Pomegranate Cocktails and Christmas Cookies Holiday.

As much fun as the Pomegranate Cocktail and Christmas Cookie Holiday can be, I often feel blurry and bloated and just plain sad. So I have decided to take a different approach this year.

Instead of projecting my ideals on certain relationships and feeling crushed when they are not mutual, I have decided to accept them for what they are . . . and let go. Not of the people, but of the hope that things will be different.

I am thinking if I let go, I will clear a space for some real deals instead of settling on some imposters. Kind of like hoarders, it’s hard to make sense of everything and cherish what is valuable if you have a bunch of clutter to cloud your judgment.

And not that I expect a Picture Perfect Holiday, but I will gladly take a Happy Holiday.

So, Friends, what are you doing to keep you spirits up this Holiday Season?

A Word About Instincts

At the ripe age of 33, I have come to a conclusion: Trust my instincts because they are rarely wrong.

Case in point: remember when I thought Marie was going to have to get her tonsils out? And that jack ass of an ENT said rip them out. And then all the specialists and new ENT said maybe not. Well, glad I checked with other specialists because with the Flonase treatement that the new ENT shrunk Marie’s tonsils form a four to a 2! Yea! He said the treatment doesn’t usually have this kind of success. DOUBLE YEA!

Talking about my issues with PMDD and Celexa were another issues I am glad that I trusted my instincts. There was a part of me that said, “Are you crazy?! You are going to talk about going on The Antidepressants?! That’s a private manner in which people are meant to keep SECRET! People are going to think you are nuts. Clearly.”

To which my instincts replied, “Clearly you are not crazy. You have a real medical condition that needs to be medically treated. People do not think that diabetics are weak or crazy if they need insulin to process sugar. Same difference.”

(Unless you are Tom Cruise in which I am sure exercise and vitamins are good enough).

Now I didn’t get a lot of comments on that post, but I did get a lot of hits which I interpret that more people may be dealing with this and just don’t really want to talk about it. Which I totally understand. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to talk about it.

But I am glad that I did, because once I put it out there, it didn’t feel like this dirty, little secret.

And along with that, I just don’t think that there should be a negative stigma attached to a condition in which requires antidepressants, whether it be PMDD or Bipolar Disorder or OCD. I think the more people talk about, then the less shame, which in turn will evolve to acceptance.


So I’ll leave you with this:

“Instinct is intelligence incapable of self-consciousness.” – John Sterling