Winter, Anxiety, and Self-Care

Last Saturday night, I was pretty sure that I was having a heart attack. I was sweaty and hot; my heat was racing and my stomach hurt.  Then, I remembered my arms were hurting the week before. 

All I could think of was Rosie O’Donnell talking about the subtle symptoms of a women’s heart attack on her new documentary on HBO, A Heartfelt Standup.   After applying the Dora the Explorer Ice Pack to my head and the Lighting McQueen one to my chest, I felt a little better.

The next day I had a burning in my chest, and I felt cranky. I decided to go for a walk outside because if this wasn’t a heart attack, it was a panic attack, and I needed to relieve some pressure.

I needed some fresh air and a fresh view.

When I made an appointment with my doctor on Monday, the receptionist was very upset that I didn't go to the ER. I am upset that I didn't go. Had anyone told me that they experienced the same thing, I would have told them to go.

But there was a small kernel of doubt that it might be anxiety.  I had that itchy, agitated feeling – kind of like I imagine my computer feels like when I have a gagillion tabs opened at once.

When my EKG and blood work came back normal, I felt pretty certain it was a panic attack, even though my doctor thought it was the brined chicken wings with truffle oil appetizer and the steak with zip sauce I had for dinner the night before causing me indigestion.

Guys, this food was so amazing!  I am kind of upset with my doctor  even suggested
this culinary masterpiece may have caused my issue.

But most likely, it was an anxiety attack.  At first, I could not think of a specific event that caused this spiral.  Then again, for me, anxiety is everything and nothing at the same time.

When I really started to think about it, I remember how I have not felt like myself since January.  I attributed it to the holiday hangover/burnout.  Then there were some snow days, and then Thomas had the stomach flu  and then more unexpected illnesses with extended family.  Next thing I know, it was President’s weekend with a day off with an additional two days off due to extreme cold.  During this time, Harrington was traveling a lot.  Also note that Marie now goes to physical therapy twice a week BEFORE school which is hard enough without carrying the emotional weight of her previous time spent in PT as a baby. 

My self-care routine, which I guard closely, had s l o w l y become derailed.  Ever since becoming a mom, I've really committed to figuring out what keeps me level.  With lots (and lots) of trial and error, I have discovered that yoga/meditation, sleep, and running work for me.

With all that extra stuff going on, the first thing to go is sleep. If they are home from school, I need to get all the things done before they wake up or after they go to bed.   This will then affect my workout schedule.  And when Harrington is traveling for work, that puts another variable in my master plan to get stuff done.

Then I try to escape on my phone before bed, which is the worst thing I can do to find peace in my day.

Before I know it, my body is saying, “Whoa. Slow your roll, lady.  This is not working.”

I love my kids and I love my work, so if I am going to be embracing the things that I love, then have to make sure that I am taking care of me.

Despite -25 degree wind chill weather. 

Despite kids home for whatever reason.

Despite other people travel plans, sicknesses, or schedules.

The positive in all of this (because I really need there to be a positive at this point) is that my self-care system really works.  And I shouldn’t ever underestimate it.

Do you suffer from anxiety attacks?  How do you take care of yourself?

Thankful Thursday: Running, Nature, and Yoga

This week, I am thankful for running, nature, and yoga.

Gah!  I cringe just typing that because 10 years ago I would have walked away from any conversation in which someone pledged her affinity to any of those things.

But 10 years ago, I didn’t really know how to take care of myself.  I was a big ball of hot, reactive energy.  At the time, I viewed it as passion, but the truth was I just didn’t have the tools manage my feelings in a responsible way.  I was anxious all the time, whether it was at work or planning a wedding or being newly married. 

I hated anything that made me have to deal with my anxiety which made running, nature, and yoga unbearable.  Being alone with my thoughts was like a hamster running on a wheel – lots of activity, but accomplishing nothing.

This eventually caught up with me after Thomas was born.  I’ve talked about being on medication and being misdiagnosed, but either way, I was set upon my course of finding inner peace.

So slowly by trial and lots and lots of error, I found my magic combo: running outside and yoga. **

The running part I get; I used to run a lot as a kid, and it just felt good. However, I didn’t grow up with an innate connection to nature.  In fact, I have a vivid childhood memory of going outside and was immediately disgusted by all the bugs flying around our wooded backyard.  Horrified, I went inside and read a book.

I am not sure where this newfound fondness to nature came from, but there is something so comforting about it now.

I mean, look at these pics from my run:

Yoga, well, yoga has definitely  has toned my shoulders.  I have been going so regularly these days, Red Lotus Yoga is kind of like my Cheers bar.  I run late almost every Friday.  One Friday, the teacher and the receptionist said, “Erin, don’t worry.  We signed you in.  Go on to class.”

I love starting my Friday off with Eliza and Alyssa!  Alyssa is one of my favorite teachers EVER!

I was taken surprise by how deeply comforted this simple gesture made me feel.

Anyway, I don’t go to church, but at yoga, I do feel a connection to something bigger than myself.  When I am quiet and encouraged to set an intention, I am able to feel peaceful and able to find a sense of gratitude that is naturally very difficult for me. 

I am not saying that every day I’m floating on a blissful cloud of inner peace, but I do notice little changes that make me feel more in charge of my emotions that have, in turn, given me a better chance at feeling more at peace.

So if you were to tell me I’d love running outside and practicing yoga so much that I am now a regular at the yoga studio, I would have laughed a cynical laugh.

Thankfully, I am not that person anymore.

**This combo works for me.  Everyone’s magic combo is different, and I commend anyone who is able to figure that out, whatever that combo may be.

Parenting and the Downward Spiral of Guilt

Today I should've been in beautiful Napa celebrating our 10th anniversary. Instead I'm dealing the emotional fallout of moving and starting a new school.

Was it the right decision? Absolutely. Am I upset about canceling my trip? Damn right I am. But not for the reasons I thought I would be.

Yes, I am sad that I am not immersed in beautiful scenery, drinking delicious wine, and dining on amazing food. (Oh, Girl and the Fig, I'll be back for you. Someday).

However, I’m more upset about how our lives ended up at this point. What if we hadn't moved? Wonder if my dabbling in blogging/social media/ teaching/freelance writing had not evolved into something that resembles real part-time work?

Then I go deeper in the spiral and start to think about how I might really being effing up as a parent.

I don't think I am spending the same amount of quality time with Thomas as I did Marie. I know it is always different with the second child, but what if I hadn't taken steps to boost my social media ventures to the next level? Maybe Thomas would like to write his name. Maybe he would like to craft? Maybe he wouldn't be so interested in Angry Birds?

It would be easy to get defensive of my choices and push forward with my goals. It would also be easy to justify my choices in that not everyone is meant to develop a deep affinity for handwriting and glue sticks.

But instead, I am listening to the signs that the kids are giving me; I’m letting it soak in, resisting the urge to downplay it in hopes that everything will work out.  I have restructured my “office hours” and reexamining my work commitments. I have put a premium on getting enough sleep so I don't meltdown. And I'm finally doing all those Pinterest crafts to help Thomas along with finding his handwriting jam.

Redemption through Pinterest

A challenging foam, no glue craft that Thomas loved!
Also, that cape melts my heart into a puddle. 

Next year, he will be in school all day next year. This is it for him. And I need to make it count.

As for Marie, I will listen patiently as she finds the words to verbalize her feelings about being the new kid.  We have also chosen a calming essential oil to help her relax at night. And we have kicked off our weekly dates.

Anything missed in the work-sphere while I tend to my babies during this transitional time will have to be categorized under "not the right time". And I will have to have faith that the right opportunities will still be there.

I am going to try to unwind myself for the guilt spiral. Up until two conversations with some help ladies, I was completely convinced this was all my fault. Turns out, it might not be my fault.  The anxiety about being a new student in a new school and the strong dislike towards coloring/writing may actually be something independent from me.  Regardless, I have to show up for some serious face time and with my listening ears on.

In the meantime, it might be time for me to get some more chocolate therapy.

Do you ever feel like you are just doing it wrong? How do you deal?