The Time When My Computer Died

Alternatively Titled: I Realized How Having Both Kids in School Was Like My Freshman Year of College

Last week, my computer unexpectedly died.  There I was, cleaning the desktop and trash bin, when I decided to install the latest software update. 

That moment at 12:15am when you realize your meltdown over a broken computer symbolizes something much deeper. #sadmac #allthetears #speedbump #sendchocolate #sendwine

A photo posted by Erin (@erin_mommyonthespot) on May 21, 2015 at 6:11am PDT

There were scary screen twitches. The info at the top of the screen was a dark red color covered with black and gray etches.  It was very Carole Ann and the snowy TV screen from Poltergeist.

Sometime around 12:15am, I gave up googling triage options and made an appointment at the Genius Bar. 

And then I cried. Not silent tears of defeat. No, these tears were more like from toddler tantrum meltdown. I was irrational. I had no words. 

I felt helpless. 

I couldn't write my blog post. I couldn't work on some other essays I wanted to submit. School is almost out for the summer and I barely accomplished anything!

HOW WAS I GOING TO REACH MY GOALS WITH A BROKEN COMPUTER?!

And then that's when it hit me: this was so much more than a broken computer. 

For months, I've had this underlying feeling of discontent.  I always fantasized that when both kids were in school full time, I would rule the world.

 Write!

Work!

Take care of the house!

Exercise!

Have lunch with friends!

Volunteer at school!

I would do all of the things and still feel refreshed when I skipped on down to the bus stop and started the after school/dinner grind.   

At first it was awesome.  I exercised during normal daylight hours instead of waking up at before dawn.

I went out to lunch almost every day. This was glorious!  When I was a junior high teacher, I only had 20 minutes to eat AND go to the bathroom. When I was home with babies and toddlers, it was just enough to go to Target for diapers let alone sit in a restaurant to eat a meal.  Eating food that I did not prepare nor having to clean up felt like I! Had! Arrived!

Turns out that once I worked out and had lunch, I didn't have as much time as I thought to do all of the things.  Honest Mom totally articulates my feelings here.

I spent most of this year rearranging my blocks of time in various orders to try and fit it all in. And I couldn't. I was constantly falling short of my expectations.

This totally reminded me of my freshman year of college. I thought it would be this party and I would be besties with my roommates as we giggled through all-nighters and ate soft serve ice cream in between classes. 

Freshman year was the opposite of that, actually. It was a lot of hard work, and I hated my roommates.  Plus, there was no unlimited soft serve ice cream.  (That along with endless nacho cheese came during sophomore year at a different school – which is a story for another time).

So during this breakdown, I had a breakthrough.  I have a tendency to build something up in my mind and create standards that are impossible to meet. 

Freshman year was just one example.

There was that time I though seventh grade would be like the Sweet Valley Twins series.  (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.  These were, in fact, the worst years of my life).

Or when my flowery image of natural childbirth courtesy of TLC’s Baby Story did not match up to my unplanned C-section.

And then the time I thought teaching junior high in an upper middle class school would somehow be a mix between Dead Poets Society and Mr. Holland’s Opus.  (It ended up being more like Mean Girls).

This constant feeling of letting myself down because I can’t reach my unattainable expectations chips away at my happiness and self-worth. 

And I don’t want to live like that anymore.

I’m not sure how to stop this since it’s clear that I’ve been doing this my entire life.  I’m a doer; I believe I can *DO* anything.  I just need to manage my expectations.  Upon writing this post, I also think it’s imperative to reexamine how much I let media infiltrate my visions of success.

I didn’t expect to have a broken computer fix my perspective, but I am grateful (and grateful for Neil at the Genius Bar for not only installing my new hard drive, but being very gentle with this fragile soul).

Have you had a recent breakthrough?  How do you deal with reality vs. your expectations?

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So excited that my post about the moment I realized I was no longer a full-time stay-at-home mom was picked up by Huffington Post Parents. I would love it if you clicked on over and let me know what you think!

Winter, Anxiety, and Self-Care

Last Saturday night, I was pretty sure that I was having a heart attack. I was sweaty and hot; my heat was racing and my stomach hurt.  Then, I remembered my arms were hurting the week before. 

All I could think of was Rosie O’Donnell talking about the subtle symptoms of a women’s heart attack on her new documentary on HBO, A Heartfelt Standup.   After applying the Dora the Explorer Ice Pack to my head and the Lighting McQueen one to my chest, I felt a little better.

The next day I had a burning in my chest, and I felt cranky. I decided to go for a walk outside because if this wasn’t a heart attack, it was a panic attack, and I needed to relieve some pressure.

I needed some fresh air and a fresh view.

When I made an appointment with my doctor on Monday, the receptionist was very upset that I didn't go to the ER. I am upset that I didn't go. Had anyone told me that they experienced the same thing, I would have told them to go.

But there was a small kernel of doubt that it might be anxiety.  I had that itchy, agitated feeling – kind of like I imagine my computer feels like when I have a gagillion tabs opened at once.

When my EKG and blood work came back normal, I felt pretty certain it was a panic attack, even though my doctor thought it was the brined chicken wings with truffle oil appetizer and the steak with zip sauce I had for dinner the night before causing me indigestion.

Guys, this food was so amazing!  I am kind of upset with my doctor  even suggested
this culinary masterpiece may have caused my issue.

But most likely, it was an anxiety attack.  At first, I could not think of a specific event that caused this spiral.  Then again, for me, anxiety is everything and nothing at the same time.

When I really started to think about it, I remember how I have not felt like myself since January.  I attributed it to the holiday hangover/burnout.  Then there were some snow days, and then Thomas had the stomach flu  and then more unexpected illnesses with extended family.  Next thing I know, it was President’s weekend with a day off with an additional two days off due to extreme cold.  During this time, Harrington was traveling a lot.  Also note that Marie now goes to physical therapy twice a week BEFORE school which is hard enough without carrying the emotional weight of her previous time spent in PT as a baby. 

My self-care routine, which I guard closely, had s l o w l y become derailed.  Ever since becoming a mom, I've really committed to figuring out what keeps me level.  With lots (and lots) of trial and error, I have discovered that yoga/meditation, sleep, and running work for me.

With all that extra stuff going on, the first thing to go is sleep. If they are home from school, I need to get all the things done before they wake up or after they go to bed.   This will then affect my workout schedule.  And when Harrington is traveling for work, that puts another variable in my master plan to get stuff done.

Then I try to escape on my phone before bed, which is the worst thing I can do to find peace in my day.

Before I know it, my body is saying, “Whoa. Slow your roll, lady.  This is not working.”

I love my kids and I love my work, so if I am going to be embracing the things that I love, then have to make sure that I am taking care of me.

Despite -25 degree wind chill weather. 

Despite kids home for whatever reason.

Despite other people travel plans, sicknesses, or schedules.

The positive in all of this (because I really need there to be a positive at this point) is that my self-care system really works.  And I shouldn’t ever underestimate it.

Do you suffer from anxiety attacks?  How do you take care of yourself?

This Week Didn’t Go According to Plan

This week was one of those weeks where I had to concede to the fact I cannot do everything.

I know this sounds really obvious, but I carefully organize my days so I can do *everything*.  My day looks incredibly doable on paper, but it has yet to work out the way I would like it to.

I am juggling a lot of balls while walking on a fine tightrope of balancing life and work, and all it takes is one unforeseen event to cause a misstep and everything goes tumbling.  I try not to get frustrated, especially since it’s only been a month that I’ve been attempting to manage all of my stuff.  And I love all of the stuff I am doing – working with great people at Hay ThereSocial Media, teaching at Walsh College, working on my blog so it’s not like I’m complaining.  But if I could just have 26 hours in a day, I feel my beautifully orchestrated days would become a reality.

 See, when Thomas went off to school fulltime, one of the things I wanted to do was really focus on my writing skills.  And ironically enough, I found HerStories Personal Essay Boot Camp. This has been such a wonderful learning experience, and unlike other attempts to practice the craft of writing, I am actually held accountable with deadlines and group members.

This week our essay is due.  And I’ve been working really hard on it in between everything else.

While I am learning some new storytelling techniques, I think it is interesting that it brought me back to my first love: journaling.  I have been wanting, actually needing, to go back to this form of writing so it feels right.

But that meant not writing the blog post I had wanted to write this week. 

It is always a humbling experience when I set these lofty goals for myself and then have them not happen the way I had envisioned.  But I did find my way back to journaling so maybe it wasn’t that bad of a week.

Next week will be better (although I said that about this week, too). 

How was your week?  Did you finish what you needed to accomplish?  Or did your life take you on a detour?