The Time When My Computer Died

Alternatively Titled: I Realized How Having Both Kids in School Was Like My Freshman Year of College

Last week, my computer unexpectedly died.  There I was, cleaning the desktop and trash bin, when I decided to install the latest software update. 

That moment at 12:15am when you realize your meltdown over a broken computer symbolizes something much deeper. #sadmac #allthetears #speedbump #sendchocolate #sendwine

A photo posted by Erin (@erin_mommyonthespot) on May 21, 2015 at 6:11am PDT

There were scary screen twitches. The info at the top of the screen was a dark red color covered with black and gray etches.  It was very Carole Ann and the snowy TV screen from Poltergeist.

Sometime around 12:15am, I gave up googling triage options and made an appointment at the Genius Bar. 

And then I cried. Not silent tears of defeat. No, these tears were more like from toddler tantrum meltdown. I was irrational. I had no words. 

I felt helpless. 

I couldn't write my blog post. I couldn't work on some other essays I wanted to submit. School is almost out for the summer and I barely accomplished anything!

HOW WAS I GOING TO REACH MY GOALS WITH A BROKEN COMPUTER?!

And then that's when it hit me: this was so much more than a broken computer. 

For months, I've had this underlying feeling of discontent.  I always fantasized that when both kids were in school full time, I would rule the world.

 Write!

Work!

Take care of the house!

Exercise!

Have lunch with friends!

Volunteer at school!

I would do all of the things and still feel refreshed when I skipped on down to the bus stop and started the after school/dinner grind.   

At first it was awesome.  I exercised during normal daylight hours instead of waking up at before dawn.

I went out to lunch almost every day. This was glorious!  When I was a junior high teacher, I only had 20 minutes to eat AND go to the bathroom. When I was home with babies and toddlers, it was just enough to go to Target for diapers let alone sit in a restaurant to eat a meal.  Eating food that I did not prepare nor having to clean up felt like I! Had! Arrived!

Turns out that once I worked out and had lunch, I didn't have as much time as I thought to do all of the things.  Honest Mom totally articulates my feelings here.

I spent most of this year rearranging my blocks of time in various orders to try and fit it all in. And I couldn't. I was constantly falling short of my expectations.

This totally reminded me of my freshman year of college. I thought it would be this party and I would be besties with my roommates as we giggled through all-nighters and ate soft serve ice cream in between classes. 

Freshman year was the opposite of that, actually. It was a lot of hard work, and I hated my roommates.  Plus, there was no unlimited soft serve ice cream.  (That along with endless nacho cheese came during sophomore year at a different school – which is a story for another time).

So during this breakdown, I had a breakthrough.  I have a tendency to build something up in my mind and create standards that are impossible to meet. 

Freshman year was just one example.

There was that time I though seventh grade would be like the Sweet Valley Twins series.  (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.  These were, in fact, the worst years of my life).

Or when my flowery image of natural childbirth courtesy of TLC’s Baby Story did not match up to my unplanned C-section.

And then the time I thought teaching junior high in an upper middle class school would somehow be a mix between Dead Poets Society and Mr. Holland’s Opus.  (It ended up being more like Mean Girls).

This constant feeling of letting myself down because I can’t reach my unattainable expectations chips away at my happiness and self-worth. 

And I don’t want to live like that anymore.

I’m not sure how to stop this since it’s clear that I’ve been doing this my entire life.  I’m a doer; I believe I can *DO* anything.  I just need to manage my expectations.  Upon writing this post, I also think it’s imperative to reexamine how much I let media infiltrate my visions of success.

I didn’t expect to have a broken computer fix my perspective, but I am grateful (and grateful for Neil at the Genius Bar for not only installing my new hard drive, but being very gentle with this fragile soul).

Have you had a recent breakthrough?  How do you deal with reality vs. your expectations?

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So excited that my post about the moment I realized I was no longer a full-time stay-at-home mom was picked up by Huffington Post Parents. I would love it if you clicked on over and let me know what you think!

To Thomas on Your First Day of Kindergarten

Thomas started Kindergarten this week.  Three years ago, I wrote Marie a letter on her first day of Kindergarten which Huffington Post Parents just picked up!  I would love it if you clicked on over and let me know what  you think.

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Dear Thomas,

Today is your big day; today you start Kindergarten.  I feel excited for you because in my heart, I know that you are ready.  Your preschool teachers told me with full confidence that you are ready both socially and academically.

These observations delivered peace to me since I pretty much doubt every parenting choice I have ever made (except that time I bought you a bunch of mini maze books on Amazon to keep you entertained in restaurants and car rides.  You pretty much refuse to do anything that requires you to hold a crayon . . . except for those books.  So I felt pretty solid on that decision).

Your sister probably has very different memories of her time leading up to Kindergarten since she had me all to herself. 

You, my dear, did not get a lot of alone time with me.  This is the default of any child other than the firstborn.  But I also started to dabble in blogging, writing, and social media when you were a baby.  As a new career started to gain traction, my time was fractioned even more and my mom guilt began to grow.

When you stepped on that bus, I was not worried about whether you were going to make it in Kindergarten.  I was worried about if I did my best with you.

Will you look back and feel cheated during all the times we sat in front of the TV together, me on my computer and you on your iPad, while I graded assignments and squeezed in writing time?

Will you be sad when you think of all the times I phoned it in while playing Imaginext characters since I am the worst pretend play mom in the ever?

 Or will you remember the fun crafty things we did together like spell your name with Cheerios or the time you got to play with marshmallows while learning how to add?

Or will you remember all the fun times we played I Spy when I took you out for macaroni and cheese with a yummy dessert at Panera every Thursday after gymnastics?

I am not sure what memories will stick (or which ones you might share with your future therapist).  Sometimes I think back on the time we spent together, and I am proud of all we did.  Other times I look through the years leading up to your first day of Kindergarten with guilt-laden glasses and think I could have done more.

As you got on that bus, I prayed that the Universe will be kind with you.  Having been a member of the Universe for about 36 years and teaching in public schools for some of that time, I know that this might be too much to ask.  So I hope that I have filled your bucket enough that you feel loved and special regardless of any misfortune that may happen to you.

As you depart for this new journey, know that I love you deeply and you can tell me anything, ANY.THING. (even that you decided to throw your lunch away because you were too busy talking to your new friends to eat peanut butter and celery).

Love,

Mommy

BlogU14 Wrap Up

I’ve been attending the same big blog conference for years.  I keep saying I’m not going to go, but when no other conference catches my eye, I inevitably end up going.

Which is fine, I have fun and learn a lot; but after a huge year of transition with the move and job and helping the kids adjust to a new school, I just didn’t want to do a cross-country trip. 

I also had been craving a more intimate conference that focused more about the craft of writing, freelance, and the  art of sponsored posts.

When I saw the announcement for BlogU come across my Facebook feed, I became really excited!   It totally fit the bill.

Here are the top 6 reasons (in random order) that I am so glad that I went to BlogU:

Business Strategies for Freelance Writers

I have a deep love for writing.  Whether I am typing away on my computer or scribbling away with a pen, I feel like I am doing what I was meant to do.  So sometimes that feeling overrides the business side of things.  You know, like money, format, finding new freelance opportunities. 

Thanks, Anna from RandomHandprints, Nicole from Ninja Mom! I have a whole new way of looking at freelance opportunities.  The first rule of freelance club: Tell people you are a freelance writer!  It was also extremely insightful to hear what the editors at Huffington Post Parents and NickMom had to say about freelance writing.

I also want to thank Kim from Let Me Start by Saying, Nicole from Ninja Mom, Allison Hart from Motherhood, WTF?, and Alicia Steffann from Naps Happen.  They all helped me feel at peace with my writing process that requires notes, drafts, and time away before publishing.  You all validated my labor-intensive, creative process.  I do not feel so alone now. 

Finding Community

Speaking of not feeling alone, this conference helped to make the big blogging world a little smaller and friendlier.  All 200ish attendees had the same passion for writing and story telling, which was quite refreshing.  You would think it might feel competitive, but it was not (at least for me).  In fact, the keynote speakers Susan from Divine Secrets of a DomesticDiva, Jenn from People I want to Punch in the Throat, Illana Wiles from MommyShorts, and Karen Alpert from Baby Sideburns emphasized the importance of all working together to raise each other up.  I love that!

The Art of Sponsored Posts

I have been thinking more and more about pursuing sponsored posts, but was not sure how to go about it and keep the storytelling aspect intact.  After listening to Illana from Mommy Shorts and Anna from My Life andKids, I am inspired to do more kinds of these posts.  Again, I’m not always business-minded, but these women were able to give some practical advice to help navigate around negotiating and pitching.

The Importance of Graphics

I am no graphic designer, but I love design.  The good part is that I love it; the bad part is that my designs do not always turn out the way I would like.  Thanks to Robyn Welling from Hollow Tree Adventures, I now have a better handle on that!

Being on a College Campus

I loved that BlogU was on a college campus.  It was easy to get around without maneuvering around a city.  I also felt that it was this safe little haven that was inclusive rather than exclusive which can happen when outside events overtake the official conference.

Fun!

The great thing about blogging and social media are the friends I have made.  The bad part is I don’t get to see them in real life all that often.  It was awesome seeing my friend Annie from Real Mommy Chronicles!  I met her five years ago and have been friend eve since!

What else was added to the fun?  A candy bar, delicious cupcakes, and the NickMom Prom party.  I may have been too tired to participate, but I loved seeing everyone dress up!

Thanks so much, Stephanie Giese from Binkies and Briefcases, for creating such an amazing conference!