Week 2 of Summer Vacation

 When I say I am going to do something, I do it.  Give me a task, and I will see it through to the end, including the epilogue.

Perseverance is my super power.

Until it turns into my kryptonite.

When I put on my horse blinders to get the job done, I don’t always evaluate how things are going. I become so focused that I don’t pay attention to the signals that it might not be working.

So tired that I’m dizzy?  Push through.  Shallow breath from pushing through? Keep going.  There is a finish line to cross (and if I’m first, that’s even better).

When I said that I wanted to embrace my inner fun parent , I really didn’t mean embrace.  I meant a bear hug so fierce that I wouldn’t even notice if anyone was suffocating.

Even me.

By the end of week 2 of summer vacation, that’s where I’m at.  Exhausted.  Out of breath.

We did a whole summer’s worth of stuff in two weeks.

At our staycation in Ann Arbor, we started with sandwiches from Zingerman’s.

This sandwich made me so happy.

Then we took a stroll around Ann Arbor and the University of Michigan campus.

She was curious about what the campus looked like. . . 
although,we are not what you would call a die hard U of M family.

Afterwards, we went to the Ann Arbor Hands-On Museum which was awesome!

I seriously lack in the science knowledge department.
I love that this place filled in some blanks with a lot of fun.

Standing inside a giant bubble can now be checked off
on the ultimate lifetime experience list.

Then we had some fun visiting my family that lives near Ann Arbor and ate some really delicious ice cream.

We’ve also spent some time in the after-hours clinic for an infected mosquito bite.

We celebrated Father’s Day.

We have had play dates at the park.

Play dates at home.

And appointments.

Pool time.

Tennis lessons.

Swim practices and meets.

T-ball games.

Oh, we also went to the Imagine Dragons concert – our first family concert!

3 out of 4 loved it! One of us fell asleep.
During the concert.  Maybe next time.

All in addition to home renovation projects like the kitchen 

Our new granite for the countertops.

and patio steps.

Delays due to ant colonies and the original steps made from incorrect materials.
Now we have to order new pavers .
I wanted to cry.

I often wonder why I am so damn tired and feel mentally stretched to the limit, but when I write all this down it becomes crystal clear.

What is not crystal clear is why I continue down this path of being a fun parent when it is stressing me out.

I think it comes down to this: after years of being confined by baby/toddler routines and then constricted by the school schedule, I want to make the most of our free time.

I want to travel!

I want the kids to play with their friends!

I want to spontaneously eat ice cream for dinner!

I want to make memories that will last a lifetime! 

I want to feel alive!

But I’m tired.  Although I want my kids to have a great summer and I want to do all of the things, it’s not necessarily filling up my soul.

Moving forward, I am going to fight the urge to fill up all of the free time.

Take deep breaths and recharge.

Summer in an endurance sport, and I cannot be burned out before July.

Being the Fun Parent: Taylor Swift 1989 Concert

This weekend, I took Marie to the Taylor Swift 1989 World Tour concert for her 9^th birthday. 

It was awesome to see her light up when Taylor took the stage . . .

Just a few days until we play Detroit and I get to wear my sparkly clothes and prance around...... PS Skylar took dis (aka welxometonewyork on tumblr)

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on May 25, 2015 at 10:30pm PDT

 and then again when Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons took the stage – EEK!!

RAGE FEST with Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons. #radioactive #1989TourDetroit

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on May 30, 2015 at 10:00pm PDT

Going to this concert filled me up in a soul-satisfying kind of way. I felt light and happy, and the good kind of exhausted.

To see that kind of joy in her eyes, those same eyes that harbor anxiety will forever be burned into my memory.

I also will remember the breezy, delicious feeling of being The Fun Parent.

Ah, The Fun Parent.

Look at me! I'm the fun parent!
Also, thank you to the super fans that were behind us.
Your homemade light up signs were not only awesomely creative, but gave great backlighting!

I don’t often let my fun parent flag fly.  It’s hard to when I’m always! being! responsible!

Meal planning. 

Groceries. 

Pack lunches. 

Make dinner. 

Laundry. 

Homework. 

Plan activities. 

Take them to said activities. 

The never-ending bedtime routine.

Then there is the worry that comes along with motherhood.  I worry about if I am doing it right.  Forget about right, am I doing it just good enough to avoid making mistakes that result in irreparable damages?

When I see the world through my children’s eyes, I am often reminded of my childhood wounds of being bullied and feeling like I would never fit in. I worry a lot about making sure my children are emotionally healthy to deal with an emotionally unhealthy world.

But then there are flashes when I remember the magic of my own childhood.  Taking Marie to this concert brought back my memories of my first concert: Madonna’s Who’s that Girl Tour in 1987. 

My mom, dad, brother, and I along with another family sat in the nosebleed seats of the now destroyed Pontiac Silverdome.  I was about 10 years old, and I will never forget her singing “Open Your Heart” in her black teddy with gold tassels on her boobs.

It was awesome!

I remember that rush of seeing someone who was (and still is) bigger! than! life!  I listened to her cassette tapes over and over on my Fisher Price tape recorder and there she was – in person – singing those songs.  Mind. Blown.

I easily get caught up in all of the hardships of motherhood.  But reminiscing about my first concert reminds me that fun should to be a priority.  Not just something fun for the them, the kids, but fun for all of us. 

At the Taylor Swift concert, that heavy feeling of accountability melted away, and we were two people in the moment having genuine fun together.

In between those spaces of obligations and duties, memories are made.  The good kind of memories.  The kind that create bonds.

Marie might never remember the hours I sat in the stands watching her swim meets or the daily effort that went into packing her lunches.

But I am hoping that she forever remember staying out until 1am dancing at the Taylor Swift concert, eating popcorn and dipping dots with her mom.

I know that I will.

Great Expectations: Summer Travel Edition

I love to travel – it lights me up inside.  I love the journey.  I love the destination.  I love experiencing new adventures and finding comfort in familiar places.

I also love traveling because I learn so much about myself.

When we were in Myrtle Beach, I learned that despite all my focus on self-awareness, I still keep secrets from myself.

And expectations are my best-kept secrets from myself.

Unbeknownst to me, I expected to relax and play while we were at Myrtle Beach.

I (unexpectedly) expected everyone, especially the kids, would be happy.  In fact, I expected them to be so happy that they would spontaneously forget about their devices since they were so happy to be at the beach.

Clearly, these expectations were too great.  Yes, we had fun. 

Every time Thomas says he hates Myrtle Beach, I will show him this photo
so he remembers how much fun he really did have.

One of my most favorite days ever.

But the battle of getting ready to go to the beach and unplugging from devices, and the battle with food  - it wore me down a bit.

Maybe if I just lowered my expectations to ensuring everyone stayed hydrated I would have had a better time.

Ironically, the Oprah magazine that I brought with me had a piece by Brene Brown about vacations and expectations.  She talked about how she had zero expectations for her family trip to Disney World – or so she thought.  When she talked to her husband about how she was looking forward to reading and napping and having a magical time, she realized that she had some secret expectations.

I tried to remember these insights when our next adventure took me and the kids with my mom to New Jersey to visit family.

I thought I was doing pretty well when I expected a horrible 12 hour road trip, and they were fantastic. 

Road Trip Warriors.

I was also not sure what to expect from them in terms of their behavior as houseguests, but my manners boot camp seemed to pay off.

Look at them - sharing a chair and being all cozy.  I wonder how I can get them to
use their houseguest behavior in our own home.

What I didn’t expect was to be so damn tired.  I was with them almost every single moment since they required me to sleep with them in the same room.  It was super cozy, though.  How could it not, sharing a twin bed with an 8 year old and another child in the other twin right next to you.

Yes, I had my own bed in another room.  No, I didn't sleep in it.
Mom guilt is strong with these kids.

I was also caught off guard by the sharp twinge of nostalgia.  There is nothing quite like going to a place you went every summer as a kid and then share that experience with your own children.  I usually like to bask in the warmth of nostalgia, but this time I felt more sadness than fondness. 

I think being in a place that looks and feels just like it did when I was five highlighted the fact that I am The Caregiver now.  And as much as I love my role as The Caregiver to my children, I miss the safe feeling of knowing that someone else has the wheel.

Me and my brother - New Jersey circa 1981

Thomas and Marie - New Jersey 2014

I realized when we were in Myrtle Beach that traveling gave me a way to connect with my kids that is hard to due to the daily grind, but this road trip to New Jersey helped me to connect with myself in a way that I haven’t done in quite awhile.

Have you traveled this summer?  Did you have fun?  Did you learn anything new about yourself?