Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Moment I Realized I was a Working Mom

When I decided to become a stay-at-home mom, I figured if I ever went back to work again that I would find a job that the kids would never really miss me.  I would be home when they were home, I could volunteer, and go on field trips.

I was pretty sure when I took the teaching position at Walsh College while still blogging, I had found the holy grail of jobs.  I especially thought I did since one class is fully online while the other class requires me to only go in 6 times in a 10 week period.

And then I found out that one of the random Fridays that I had to go in to teach fell on the same day as Thomas’s first field trip in his new school.

I honestly thought there had to be some sort of mistake with the dates and times of the field trip.  How could I honestly miss a field trip?   To the farm?!  I started to play Tetris with my blocks of time to see if I could find a way to make it work.  Short of human cloning, I logistically could not make it.

I thought about asking my boss to switch the days we co-taught, but he had already been so cool with me leaving early on the first day of class so I could make it to Thomas’s first day of preschool that I felt I couldn’t push it. 

I finally had to admit defeat.

This was the first time I truly realized that I was officially a work-at-home-most-of-the-time mom. This spoke to me more loudly than the piles of laundry that don’t get folded or the orange juice that fails to buy itself.

I tried to make my peace with the fact that I would be missing an event with one of the kids for the first time in the seven years I’ve been a full time stay-at-home mom.  But alas, I only was super crabby that morning and fought back tears the rest of the day.

I felt icky and sad that Harrington had taken him on a field trip.  I realize that this was maternal gatekeeping at its best.  I know in order for me to Lean In to this new venture then I am going to have to let Harrington, you know, the father of these children, be a apart of taking care of the kids.  For the record, Harrington was excited to go to his first-ever field trip, and Thomas did totally fine.

missing a field trip was the first time i realized i was a working mom erin janda rawlings mommy on the spot
See that smile?  Pretty sure he's thinking,
"Mom's missing?  Hm, didn't notice."

 I just thought that I could honestly do this blogging/teaching thing without missing a beat at home.  I think part of me will always identify myself as a stay-at-home mom.  I didn’t have a defining moment where I was leaving the kids everyday to go to an office or a classroom.  The whole transition was so gradual and appeared seamless since I do most of my work from home. 

I do think that missing this field trip was my defining moment.

Do you ever feel guilty for missing your kids’ events or field trips?  How do you deal with it?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I work from home but work full time. I've missed all events but I do try to volunteer for one party a year, one child gets the christmas and one gets the halloween. It may be different this year as neither one of the teachers have called to have me volunteer. SO what does that mean for me?? I cannot volunteer. It will be devistating for the kids but nothing I can do when I am a full time Work from HOME mom.. I"ll get over it and so will they. we'll find something else to do together, that is the important part !!! Saima Perron