Parenting is Hard

Parenting is hard.  So very hard.  A totally obvious statement, I know.  But since parenting is filled with challenging moments every single day, I find my threshold for pain is pretty high.

Get up in the middle of the night to tend to scary dreams?  Got it.

Being the fun governor when it comes to enforcing screen time limits?  I (begrudgingly) do it.

Trying to make sure each child’s needs are met without cloning myself?  I practice that each and every day.

But then something comes along that pushes my limit.  In yoga, it is called going beyond your edge.  When I go beyond my edge in yoga, I have exceeded my physical and mental boundaries and everything becomes a challenge.  Even breathing.

This moment occurred when Harrington and I decided to cancel our 10^th wedding anniversary trip to Napa and Sonoma, which we were going to after his business trip at Lake Tahoe.

Yes, this little message is in my inbox.  Taunting me.

It actually pains me to type this sentence.

We came to this decision after listening to the deep, sorrowful, painful sobs of how much Marie would rather be home with me than at her new school.  The crying, that was on the verge of hyperventilating, yanked at my heartstrings.  Even though this specific breakdown took me by surprise, in retrospect, I have realized that she has been very emotional and has been having a hard time at night.

How am I supposed to go clear across the country for six days when my child is hurting?  And not just hurting, but hurting for me?

On the other hand, I feel like I am letting Harrington down by not going with him on this trip and celebrating our 10th anniversary.  One day, these kids will leave the nest, and since he is the one I will be stuck with (in a good way, of course), I want to make sure my marriage is a priority.

But when your baby needs you, how do you walk away from that?

As Harrington said, they won’t need us like this forever.  We need to be there when they do now.

I decided to think about what I could live with in the long run – going on this trip with my husband and hoping that Marie would be OK. 

Or could I live with skipping this trip with my husband, but knowing I didn’t take off when my daughter needed me?

If this is a pivotal time in her life with the move and going to a new school, and I leave, I don’t think that is something I could undo.

And what would a big decision like this be without a healthy serving of guilt.  I blame myself.  If I wasn’t busy working this summer, I would have been more emotionally available to her.  If I wasn’t busy unpacking, I would have had more time for her.  If I had been able to pull it together, I could have had this all situated and not have to bail on an awesome trip.

Letting down your kid and missing out on wine country: kind of feels like the biggest fail in the history of my fails.

So what has been the hardest parenting decision you have had to make?  How did you get through it?  Should I stock in more chocolate or salty snacks?  Would it be inappropriate to listen to grunge rock and sulk in my room?

The Teacher Has Become the Parent

 Alternatively titled: Shit Just Got Real

Thomas has been in nursery school for about two months now.  He has made friends and when I watched him sing during the Halloween presentation, it appeared that he was paying attention

And then one day:

BOOM.

I am pulled aside by the teacher, and she proceeded to tell me that he is having trouble listening because he is goofing off with his friend.   She also informed me that he has a tendency to give dirty looks to other classmates when they want to play with him and his friend.

*gulp*

I feared this day would come, but I didn’t expect it so soon.  The teacher told me not to worry about it because he is just testing boundaries, but I did need to talk to him about making good choices.

And talking about good choices we did.  In fact, by 10:30 the next day, we had made a traffic light chart to help him visualize his behavior choices along with a reward system.  I also thought that an extra physical outlet for his energy would help him stay more focused in school, so I enrolled him in a gymnastics class.

Shit Just Got Real

One might say that I overreacted to this statement.

However, when I taught junior high, I was on the giving end of this kind of information, which was often times received with blank stares and comments fueled by denial and embarrassment. 

I vowed that I would never fall prey to the “not my child” mentality.  Which is why I may have overcompensated.

I have to say that this system is working for us.  The vicious cycle of empty threats of taking toys and screen time away communicated in a volume that I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with was failing.  (Shocking, I know). 

At first, he didn’t like the traffic light chart (really, who does like to be accountable for their actions?).  Eventually, he accepted it, and now he’s works with it.  I am not saying that he is not making any more bad choices, but I will say that he is understanding the consequences of his choices.  I also realize I may regret the reward system, but I think it may be unrealistic that I expect a 3 ½ year old to be intrinsically motivated. 

With this chart, I feel like I am not squashing his spirit, but rather teaching him to be responsible for his actions.  I also feel it is easier to take the emotion out of a heated situation since there is a clear set of expectations.

So for now, this working.

I stress, "for now."

Have you ever received unfavorable news from school?  How did you handle it?