The Big Reveal of My Hot Pants Post: The All True Among the Pretty All True

The wait is over! I will now reveal the all true among the pretty all true (and if you have a preschooler who reads Olivia, I hope you get the reference).
You must read this first or the rest of this is not going to make sense.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

I’m still here, don’t worry.

So which one do you think is all true?


If you guessed #4, you would be wrong.

All that drama with the green runny nose running down that little girl’s face and her grandfather chatting it up during the hokey pokey was true. However, I scooted out with another mom during Ring-Around-The Rosy. We vented privately how disgusting all that was, and then I left a message for the program leader. Because the program leader? She is awesome and doesn’t take any crap. And I think she’d want to know what was going on.

All that stuff about me standing up and addressing the offender and the parents clapping? The fantasy version of how I saw it going down.

If you guessed #1, you would be wrong.

I did go to Germany with my high school boyfriend after I graduated high school to visit his family. We did go to an amazing castle. I also got drunk with his grandparents. However, he did not ask me to marry him. In fact, I cried pretty much every day to come home. We broke up soon after we came back. We got together and broke up several times before calling it quits for good. Since I had no ring to sell, I did work in the university cafeteria flipping burgers and grilled cheese sandwiches.

If you guessed #5, you would be wrong.

 Harrington and I did go on a cruise that ported in Cozumel. But instead of tequila, it was margaritas. And instead of tamales, it was taquitos (which I could not eat for years afterwards because they made me nauseous. Or was it the margaritas at 10 a.m. I guess one can never be certain . . .) Although I did sing Honky Tonk Woman, I did not wait for a stage or a microphone; I just belted out the tune from my beach chair. All by myself. I was videotaping Harrington doing some water sport (parasailing maybe? Jet ski? I can’t remember) and a party boat to pull up to the beach and started playing The Rolling Stones. Really loud.  And I just couldn’t help myself. So yes, there is a lovely video clip of that somewhere in my house. Which is one of the reasons I’ll never run for public office. And for the ship? It was Dynasty Era at its finest.

If you guessed #3, you would be wrong.

Although one of my superiors did get wasted, it wasn’t at the end of the year party. It was the Christmas party at a pool hall. So she was puking in a public restroom with other ladies yelling at me that my “friend” better get her shit together. She did not threaten my job (although that did happen several times which is an xtranormal video in the making). But she did slurishly yell, “Erin, get my coat, my keys, and my purse.” After not being satisfied with my sheepish answer, “I’ll get your coat and your purse, but not your keys because I think you might maybe slightly be a tad bit uh, how do I say this, um, kinda dunk.” At which point I found some senior staff members to take care of this situation (which I think The Situation from Jersey Shore would call “a situation” don’t you think)?

If you guessed #2, you would be correct!

 I did work at a pet crematorium. And while I worked there as a receptionist, (because there was no way I would do anything else there), a lady came in with her jean purse full of ferrets asking about her options for cremation as well as her birds. I do believe I was let go because I told her that maybe she wanted to bury birds since the owner (who did have a real life bachelor’s degree in funeral directing) said there would not be enough remains to give her. Which I guess presents a conflict of interest. But that’s OK because I got a job as a receptionist at a hair salon in which I got deep discounts on highlights and brow waxing. So yea, Real Mommy Chronicles, you were right!

Thanks again, RN Mama for this fun award!

See you for Feel Good Friday!

My Hot Pants Post

Otherwise titled as “Liar, Liar Pants on Fire”



I have been given an award by RN Mama at 29 and Holding! Yea!  Thank you so much!  I have to write five facts about myself. Four of these facts have to be embellished truths, you know, toeing the line between truth and not so truth. Or as Olivia the Pig would say, “Yep. Pretty all true.” But among these enhanced versions, there is one solid, honest-to-goodness truth. I also get to pass this fun award to five other bloggie friends. Nice way to perk up the week, right?

1. I travelled to Germany with my high school boyfriend right after graduation. We stayed with his dad, step-mom, and two step-brothers. We also got to visit his grandparents. They didn’t speak English, but we totally bonded over drinks and chocolate. One day, we went to this beautiful castle where he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes! But once I left for college, it was pretty obvious that I was not ready to get married. So I kept the ring and sold it so I wouldn’t have to work at the school cafeteria flipping burgers and grilled cheese.

2. I used to work at a pet crematorium for a short time in college. The weirdest client I encountered was a lady carrying a bag of ferrets (alive). Actually, it wasn’t just any bag, it was denim purse. She wanted to know what her options for them would be one day when they died. As they squirmed all around in that denim sack, they looked like they belonged at the gates of Hell. I should also mention that the ferrets were not close to death or even sick, but she loved them so much she wanted to know what to do with them after they passed. She also wanted to know if it would be possible to cremate her birds. The owner said no because there would not be enough ashes to give her. I told her that she might want to give them a proper burial for them in her backyard. Shortly afterwards, I was let go due to hard, economic times. And I believed them. Although looking back, I think it may have done something with that bird comment.


3. While working as a teacher, one of my superiors became so wasted at the end of the year party. As she was yacking in the bathroom, she yelled at me to get her purse and her keys. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable doing that. When she yelled again, I told her I’d get her purse, but not her keys. She threatened my job, so I found a more senior staff member to deal with this because I was not yet tenured. Thankfully, it was the end of the year so we had the summer to pretend it never happened.

4. Recently, I took Thomas to story time at the library. There was a little girl with a GREEN runny nose, flushed cheeks, and a sweaty forehead. She was sniffing all over the place. Her caretaker (perhaps her grandfather) thought nothing of whipping out his hanky, wiping that mess of a nose, and sending her back to the group to infect the rest of the innocent bystanders. He then thought it appropriate to answer his cell phone and have a conversation right in the middle of the hokey pokey. While all the other moms were glaring at him and the teacher turned a blind eye to the situation, I stood up as she announced it was time to do Ring Around the Rosie and put an end to this catastrophe.

Me: Hey, you! Yeah, you. The one with the phone. Take your conversation and your sick kid and LEAVE.

And you, Librarian Lilly*, it is your job to enforce the rules. As the leader, you have to ensure story time is a fun and safe for everyone. Everyone is disgusted by this man’s behavior. You have to tell him to not take calls and be respectful of others by not bringing a sick kid to story time.

I started to feel that I had been a bit harsh, but then all of the moms broke out into applause. I knew that I had saved the day.

5. Harrington and I went on a cruise while we were dating. One of the stops was Cozumel on the beach. At ten o’clock in the morning, they were serving shots of ice cold tequila and a buffet of unlimited tamales. And then there was the karaoke stage. I think between the tamales and tequila, I got lost in the moment and jumped on stage to sing The Rolling Stones “Honky Tonk Woman.” It. Was. Awesome. After all that activity, I took a little nap beach side before I stumbled back on to our cruise ship . . . which I am sure was quite grand in its heyday circa 1987.


OK, so which one do you think is totally all true?
*Librarian Lily is not her real name, but wouldn’t it be really cool if it was?

And congrats! I am passing this award to the following lovely ladies:

Good-Bye Twenties . . . Hello, Botox!

Lulu and Moxley

Mom et Al

Real Mommy Chronicles

The Girl Next Door Grows Up