On my Thirty-Seventh Birthday

Today I turn thirty-seven years old.  Thirty-seven is not a milestone birthday.  It’s not like 25 or 30 or 40.  But something about thirty-seven feels like a milestone for me.

Maybe it’s because I have turned a corner with both kids in school, and I’m working from home.  Maybe it’s because I can practice yoga twice a week.  I don’t know.  But I do know that I feel more contentment and peace than I have in a long, long time. 

I mean not perfect contentment that I imagine I would feel if I were chanting ohm on a secluded mountaintop.  More like less angst-y and restless.

I remember when I started my third decade, I spend quite a few nights waking up and running to the bathroom to dry heave and cry.  At first I thought I had the flu or maybe pregnant. 

When neither turned out to be true, I decided maybe I was unhappy.  But how could I be unhappy?  I was happily married and had a beautiful daughter who was deliciously adorable at two years old.

When I quieted my mind and clocked some serious time at my therapist’s office, I came to the conclusion that I was just letting in too much – too many opinions of others, too many judgments, too many self-harming comments.  I couldn’t honor these outside forces and still have enough energy to raise Marie.

So I started to say no to things that made me feel bad. I said no to thing that made my gut red hot with dread.  I said no to things that made me feel drained and sad.  This was not easy at all.  I mean, saying no kind of goes again first-born daughter code.  There were times when I think it would have been easier to join the witness protection program than face my fears of letting anyone down as I decided to live life on my terms.

Which is what was the stem of all my itchy, uncomfortable feelings of going with a flow that was not meant for me.  So little by little, I created something I had never before experienced: personal boundaries.

I didn’t have the language to explain this transformation until I heard Elizabeth Gilbert speakat Oprah’s Life You Want Weekend.  She called her journey a Quest and talked about how it started with crying on the bathroom floor, knowing that she was not on her right path.  Which led her on journey to answer the question: What have I come here to do with my life? 

Wait - there was a name for this?  A Quest?!  I thought I was just going about my business trying to find some way to make sure I didn’t implode while raising my daughter.  But yes, when she explained exactly what a Quest is, I was indeed on one of my own.

She talked about how The Quest is filled with self-doubt and uncertainty that there will be trials, but ultimately when finished, fear is shed.

In fact, all the difficulties were inevitable.  Elizabeth shared that she used to pray for changes in her life, but without all the mess and upheaval.

And with that, the past seven years of my life were validated.  I guess I had the preconceived notion that personal transformation would be a blissful journey. Yes, I was making changes that felt like were aligned with who I really was meant to be, but shit, it was hard.  And messy.   And uncomfortable.

But it would have been more uncomfortable to stay and cry and dry heave and live a life on a path that was not for me than to figure out how I fit in this world.

So I am going to celebrate this non-milestone milestone birthday.  With cake.  Champagne.  Family.  Food.

I did it.  I am on My Quest.  And even thought it’s not easy, it feels pretty damn good.

And Now You are 8 Years Old

 Dear Marie,

You are now eight years old.  It hardly seems possible since I remember the day you cautiously entered the world like it was yesterday.

When I think back, those early days perfectly foreshadowed the person you would become.  You approach everything with a careful, watchful eye and need to do a great deal of observing before participating.

When you were a baby and a toddler, I remember that your physical and occupational therapists look down on these traits saying that you were too shy.  They got that wrong – you are not shy; you are an introvert.

Your introvert personality has wonderful qualities – you are insightful, articulate, and thoughtful.  You L.O.V.E. reading and writing, and you are really good at both of these.

But your introvert personality has a flip side, too.  You have a tendency to overthink things.  You worry a lot.  Change is hard for you.  I mean, really hard.

And this year has been all about change – changing schools, changing homes, changing friends, changing swim teams.

My heart broke as you struggled with all of this newness.  Many mornings I watched you get on the bus with tears in your eyes.  So many times I had to fight the urge to take you off the bus and let you stay home.  When you struggled to go to sleep because the rush of thoughts would not stop, I would feel guilty that I passed on this horrible trait to you.

But you never gave up. 

You went to school everyday and never asked me to keep you home or pick you up early.   

I want to let you know how proud I am of you for fighting for your peace of mind.

I am proud of you for accepting help from others and using the tools you were given to help yourself.

You inspire me with your perseverance, your courage, and your strength.

My wish for you is to choose joy, even when it seems easier to let worry wash over you.  Believe me, joy might be harder, but it is always worth it.

I will always be here for you.  Always. 

I love you forever,

Mom

And Now You are 5

Dear Thomas,

You turned five last week. 

My baby is now five years old.

I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around when exactly this happened.  Time seemed to pass so slowly during those early sleepless nights which made the days seem to blur together in an endless montage of laundry and mealtimes.  Then I blinked my eyes and before me now stands a boy.

Not a toddler.

Not a baby. 

A boy.

A boy who has his own unique sense of humor. 

A boy who seems to never pay attention to what I am saying but then will recall every minute detail of the conversation. 

A boy with a resolve of steel.

A boy who has the biggest heart and shares his love so freely it takes my breath away.

A boy who will start Kindergarten in the fall.

I silently prayed to myself, as I reluctantly handed over your paper work at Kindergarten registration, that you will never loose the way you care for others.  I am always inspired by the way you give your love without reservations.

When asked to share your beloved fruit snack, you say, “Sure thing! Here you go.”

You always make sure the cat feels loved by all the cuddles you give him.

At your birthday party, you were so happy to have everyone together and introduce your friends to you grandparents.  My heart wants to burst when I see how thoughtful you are with the people in your life.

It takes some people a whole lifetime to learn how to love the way that you love at the tender age of five.

My birthday wish for you is that you never let the cold ways of callous people ever take this gift away from you.  There are those who are not comfortable with people who shine from the inside out; they do not know how to respond to genuine kindness.

Pay no mind to these haters.  The world needs more people like you – happy souls who are not afraid to love.

Happy birthday, my sweet boy!

Love always,

Mommy

And Now You Are Seven

Dear Marie, 

You are seven.  Seven year old.  As cliched as it is to say, I can’t believe it.  I remember the day you carefully made your way into this world like it was yesterday.

This year was a pretty big year for you.

You wrote your first book and entered it into the PBS Kids Go! Writing Contest.  First of all, so proud of you for writing a whole book just because you love to write.  But I am even more proud of you because you saw it through the whole process - from prewriting to the final touches of the illustrations.  I am so very proud of you!

And even though I have known you since before you were born, I did learn something new about you this year.

You don’t like surprises.  At all.

Daddy and I bought Taylor Swift concert tickets for you, and we were so excited to give them to you.  At first you were shocked, and then I thought delight and sheer joy would be the next obvious reaction.  But alas, you did not want the tickets and disappointment set in, which quickly turned to guilt about feeling disappointed.  Watching you struggle with the guilt because you expressed your true feelings was worse than knowing you were disappointed about the tickets.  It resonated with me because I often find myself managing my true feelings and the guilt associated with them.

I did my best to coach you through this; eventually you made your peace and spoke your truth.  And your truth was wanting either a World War II themed birthday party.  Although it was a great idea, we decided to go with your second choice of having your party at an indoor play area.

And because I have now learned your true disdain for surprises, we had an open talk about what you wanted for your birthday gift.  I thought about it and, I agreed that you could get gift cards for an iPod.  

But once you had the money, you felt guilty about the iPod.  After much investigating/observing/listening, I determined that you felt guilty because you thought you wore me down.  Which totally wasn’t the case.  I explained to you that I had to come to terms with what I thought you should have and what truly interests you.

Watching how much you torture yourself with guilt at the tender age of seven, my birthday wish for you is to have the confidence within yourself to be guilt-free. I want you to know that you need to be who you really are.  You have a lot of amazing gifts, and I don’t want them to get lost in a sea of guilt.

In your life, you will find guilt at every turn.  Guilt about wanting something. Guilt about getting something.  Guilt about your feelings.  Guilt about your guilty feelings.

Just stop.

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to speak your truth.  No, not deserve, but the responsibility to live your truth.

Without guilt.

Never apologize for your feelings or for being you.

Happy birthday.

Love you always,

Mommy

Technology for Kids - A Slippery Slope?

So my baby, my little girl, my first born told me she wants an iPod for her birthday.

Her 7th birthday.

My first reaction was visceral.  Of course not.  How could a 7 year old have her own iPod?!  Wouldn’t she want some stuff to go with her American Girl collection? 

And then I started to ponder her wish.

She is on the computer a lot and not just to play games.  She is on there researching former presidents and first ladies, you know, for fun.  She researches writing contests. 

I say this not to brag, but to show her maturity.  (Well, maybe brag just a touch - come on, I’m her Mom)!  I guess it isn’t any wonder she isn’t into dolls all that much.

Well, I take that back.  She is into American Girl dolls, but not so much to play with them.  She enjoys them for the purpose to learn about World War II.  (In fact, she tossed around the idea of having a World War II theme birthday party).  Please also note that her other favorite period of history is the Revolutionary War.

But I digress.

So when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she hemmed and hawed that she would like some books and notebooks  . . .  which I know she would love, but I asked her what she really, really wanted.

When she took a deep breath in and whispered desperately, “An iPod,” I knew I had to quiet that knee-jerk no and listen.  

Marie has never been the type of girl to play with dolls, and even though there is a finite time period in which she will even be interested in them, that just isn't her thing.

She loves to read and create.  And she loves technology.

I would rather her have something that she really wants as opposed to some things that she kinda sorta likes.

But is this a slippery slope sliding towards self-entitlement?  Towards the end of her childhood?  

Or is it a great opportunity to teach her limits and boundaries?  A chance to teach her how to navigate safely through technology-centered world?   

So after much thought and discussion, we have decided that she can ask for gift cards for the Apple store and she can buy an iPod.

I think.  

Or am I making a mistake of gigantic proportion?  

Or am I over-thinking this too much?

Do your kids have technology?  How old are they?  What kind do they have?  What kind of guidelines do you have for them to use their devices?

On Your 4th Birthday

Dear Thomas,

You are now officially four years old.

Four?!  When did this happen?!  (Over nights and nights as your sister would say).

I can say that, without a doubt, my most favorite thing about you turning four has been watching your personality emerge as you had more words to express yourself.  

Your personality comes through these little nuggets of truth , and I’m often taken aback because A) They are soaked in truth that only an unfiltered child can speak and B) I didn’t even think you were listening.  But you are listening.  All the time.

Like when you talk about your actions in terms of making choices.  Or when you watched the Oz Great and Powerful and you knew when the witch was not telling the truth.

I also love when you observe when someone is practicing kindness.  You are listening and soaking it all in.

Another favorite part of watching you grow is watching how you love.  I watch how you get a nighttime drink for Sissy, even when she doesn’t ask.  I watch how you give me Altoids when you get yourself Altoids.  I watch how you make sure Baby Jammies is covered and never cold.

And I think how I am the luckies mom on earth to have a sweet-hearted little boy.

My birthday wish for you is that you never loose that tender, thoughtful side to you.  Such a giving, selfless quality is a gift and part of what makes you a beautiful little person. 

I love you forever.

Mommy 

Gift of Presence

Today is my birthday.  I usually love my birthday.  Love. It.  I revel in the celebration.  I eat tons of cake and ice cream and junky carbs as I can.

This year is a little different.  It’s been a difficult six months.  I’ve been closely examining my personalboundaries in regards to bullying.  I’ve been working hard on accepting myself and honoring my limits.  I’ve been putting a lot of effort into creating the best version of myself so I can be good to others.

It’s exhausting, really.

And needless to say, it has not been easy.  I know that one of my gifts from the Babes is the new No Doubt CD.  (Thanks for the not-so-obvious hint, Thomas)!  I am super excited to open it later tonight, but I have to say that my kids have already given me the best gift that has transformed me in each and every way.

The gift of presence. 

I am so incredibly thankful for this gift of living in the moment.  They take this awesome gift for granted because they are constantly living in the moment.  But as a planner, living in the moment has been a challenge.  It means taking the time to be quiet and value what is happening right here, right now.  And because of this, I not only see the beauty of the moment, but I feel it in a way I never had experienced before.

When Thomas wants to cuddle on the couch with me and watch Doc McStuffins or when Marie wants to hold my hand as we walk to the bus stop, I quiet that voice that says laundry needs to get done or we need to hurry before the bus comes.  All these little moments add up to one, big life and I don’t want them to slip away.

But even more than that, living in the moment with my kids has given me strength to protect my priorities with great intensity.  This is not easy, and it’s not like I live in this Zen state all the time (who does with a three year old?), but I can say that my joyful moments are more joyful.

I am thankful to these little teachers for inspiring me to create the life I’ve always wanted.

I can’t say that I *love* the idea of the smile lines that seem a little deeper around my eyes, but I can say with great certainty that I love the sense of strength I get from my gift of presence.

What do you like most about your birthday?

Happy 6th Birthday!

Just a few more days to vote for me at Skinny Scoop Top 25 Mom Bloggers of 2012.  Please please please vote for me!

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Dear Marie,

I hope that you had a wonderful birthday.  I know that we got off to a rocky start.  You did not love your new bike . . . yet.  Just wait until you can throw a few Barbie dolls in your bike pack and zoom down the street to play with your friends.  There will be a time that you can’t believe that riding your hot wheels was your preferred method of outdoor transportation.  Just trust me on this one.

I think the Barbie themed party went off without a hitch.  Everyone seemed to enjoy the Just Dance Kids Dance Off and the seemingly unlimited amount of dum-dum lollypops and ring pops.  But the thing I will remember most was your request for crudité.  You have been reading Fancy Nancy Tea Party for about a month, and you wanted to have crudité for your birthday party. 

Crudité?  Not cut-up veggies.  Crudité. 

Not a lot of six year olds know what crudité is. 

Which brings me to my next point.  Yes, you are six in calendar years, but you are wise beyond six.

You really have the whole reading and writing thing down.  You write stories and create ideas for websites (usually with your own brand of characters you developed).  You design fashion sketches.

I’m so proud of you.  Being smart and focused - it’s a good thing.  But what makes my heart swell up with pride is the good person you are becoming. You are incredibly kind to others.  Not just because I told you to always practice kindness, but because you understand the importance of it.  I remember I was telling you that it’s OK to be proud of how well you do on your spelling tests, but it’s not kind to brag about it to others especially when they might be struggling.  You excused yourself from the table, got (yet another) Fancy Nancy book and turned to a page that showed Fancy Nancy taking her spelling test with ease while the other students were having a difficult time.

You innocently asked, “Is this what you mean?”

I replied with great admiration, “Yes.  That is exactly what I mean.”

I have yet to meet another six year old that is able to process her emotions and empathize with others quite like you.  I know plenty of adults aren’t yet where you are.

Like I said, you are wise beyond your years.  

Some of your friends get this, but others don’t.  Being smart and being able to communicate; it’s a blessing and a curse (believe me, I know.  And it’s another post for another time).

I couldn’t be more proud of you, and I feel incredibly lucky to be your mother.  So here’s to another year – may you always be true to yourself and may the light always shine bright in your eyes.

I love you forever,

Mommy