Monday, February 15, 2010

Thank you and then some!!

First of all, I would love to thank you for your words of encouragement in my new endeavor. The writing group was very interesting, and I plan on going back next month. This was the Women’s Group, an offshoot of the main group. That one meets every week, and I am going to check it out. What do I have to lose? You know, since pride is overrated and all. .

But seriously, thank you for all your support. I went into blogging as a way to keep my stay-at-home-mom mind sharp, and maybe, just maybe take a baby step or two towards actually doing something with writing. I also hoped it would be a way for me to process my experiences in motherhood. I never expected to connect with people that are so warm, encouraging, and supportive. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

So I am going to continue on this path of blogging and going to writing groups and see what happens. If nothing more, I feel like it helps me to be more, well, me. It’s kind of hard to explain. Although I feel staying home with my Babes is the right choice for me, I didn’t expect to feel so alone, which is kind of ironic because I am never alone. Not even when I go to the bathroom. I kind of feel sad that being a SAHM-y doesn’t fulfill my every need, and therefore, I feel guilty I want to do a little something on the side that’s all mine. Why is that?? Why should I feel guilty about taking time to do something that makes me feel alive and creative and fills my tank up so I having something to give my Babes? Seriously, why?

Writing has always given me a chance to get in touch with what was going on with me (even when I was a wee girl of seven years of age writing my deep thoughts in my teddy bear diary, complete with lock and key) . And even though I have to fight the urge to plant my ass in front of the TV after a hard day’s and night’s and day’s and night’s (well, you get the picture) work, I know that that will only make me feel depressed. And I rather not go down that road again. Ever. (Note to self, don’t forget to blog about the time you sat on the couch and cried almost every day for four months). Maybe that seventeen year old girl was on to something when she filled out “author” on her What Do I Want To Do When I Grow Up form given to her by her high school counselor. Well, either that or my next plan may be to pursue a career in the funeral home businesses since my aptitude test said I would be an excellent funeral home director. (No joke, my results actually said I would be a good funeral home director. Ironically, I worked for a secretary at a pet crematorium for a short time in college. Anyway . . .)

Thanks, Friends, for being so awesome!!

(And seriously, I’d love to hear why moms feel guilty filling up their tanks. And more importantly, what should one do to do to overcome those feelings).


Brittany said...

It seems as though the grass is always just a little bit greener, huh? Working moms just want to stay at home a little more, and stay at homes just want to get out of the house every now and then. Women really are just totally confusing. Our poor husbands, lol!

I'm so excited for your new endeavor and will be cheering you on all the way over here in Boise!

Unknown said...

Life is a balance. No one's job fufills their every need, that's true of SAHM's too! You are a better mom for taking care of you, too!

Amy said...

UGH, it seems that women are just plagued by guilt! I feel so guilty dropping off my little guy at daycare everyday so that I can go to work. This guilt never crosses my husband's mind...ever.

The way he thinks about it is Jackson is around other children and it's good that he's socializing with his peers.

I try to adopt that mentality when that pesky guilt gets into my head. Just bitch slap that voice next time you hear it Erin!

Anonymous said...

I think the word Mother came from Martyr. Guilt is our drink of choice and it's hard to break the addiction. I think it's AWESOME that you are pursuing have great narrative voice.

BTW, my high school career aptitude test said I would make an excellent forest ranger.

Erin Janda Rawlings said...

Thanks, Brittany!

Moonspun, even though I know that's true, it's hard for me. . .

Amy, I am going to work on my bitch slap

Anonymous, I never thought of it like that, but you may be on to something . . . and forest ranger?!?! that's awesome!

Aunt Becky said...

I think we all have to feel guilty. It's in our genes. I don't know WHY, but we all do it. SO STUPID.

Kendra said...

It's hard not to feel guilty for not being fulfulled completely by whatever choices we've made. I think part of it is the women's movement; women fought to get into the workplace and out of the home, then our generation has fought for the right to make the choice--working outside the home, or staying home, or working from home--and yet whatever we end up with, we feel like we'd damned well better feel fulfilled, after all the bitching we did to get there. So what do you do when you're not entirely happy all the time?

Maybe the key is to accept that not being happy 100% of the time isn't the same as being unhappy. And that wanting to make changes doesn't mean you made a "bad decision." Figuring out what you want out of your life takes your entire life. And that's okay. And when in doubt, I always remind myself that in trying to find what makes me happy, I'm setting a good example for my kids.

Anonymous said...

You should follow your dreams of being a writer, not only for yourself, but for your family. If something helps to make you whole, then it has a domino effect on those around you. Lose the guilt! It's a wasted emotion. Your kids will be proud of the fact that you are a writer. SAHM's have a tendency to lose their identities especially while their children are young. It's totally ok to have something that spikes your creativity and makes you happy. When you are this example to your children, they learn to follow their own dreams :) Susi