To Marie, On Your 9th Birthday

 Dear Marie,

This year, your birthday falls on Mother’s Day, and you are so excited about this.  To be honest, I am glad that you are excited because having your day happen on Mother’s Day feels really special to me.

The day you were born was a sort of a rebirth for me.  If it wasn’t for you, I don’t think I would have the courage to figure out what I truly wanted from life and actually make plans to achieve it.

You were the first step in this journey. 

To be a better person. 

To develop healthy personal boundaries. 

To write. 

To stop saying sorry all the time for things I don’t need to be sorry.

It wasn’t until I was responsible for someone else did I realize how poorly I thought of myself.

It didn’t bother me enough to stop associating with people that did not treat me with kindness and respect.

I didn’t realize that perfectionism was just another form of self-loathing, and in fact, NOT one of my most positive personality traits.

It didn’t occur to me that it was not normal to go through life with a general and overwhelming state of malaise.

There was no way I was going to take a beautiful, brand new human down that same road. I knew that you would be watching me, and I wanted so much better for you.  And I if I wanted better for you, I would need to be better. 

If you were truly to know deep down in your bones that you deserved to be happy and treated with kindness not only by others, but from yourself, I would have to lead the way.

So I am learning how and doing my best everyday to be a positive example for you.

But we are all on own paths to happiness, and it breaks my heart to see you struggle with our common thread of anxiety. As much as I want to pave your path to happiness with all the lessons I have learned, I understand that I cannot do it for you.

My birthday wish for you is to find light and love throughout your journey.  I want you to know that you are worthy of true happiness simply because you are you.  You don’t have to earn it.  No one can give it to you, and no one can take it away.  

You are enough, my dear, just as you are.

We both are.

Love always,

Mommy

My first Mother's Day. You were only a few days old.

Love.