Tuesday, April 24, 2012

If My Acne Could Talk

Marie is scheduled to have her adenoids and possibly her tonsils taken out this week.

This is a long time coming.  We have been monitoring her sleep apnea since this nasty incidenthappened almost two years ago.

Since then, she’s been on meds to reduce the swelling of her adenoids and tonsils.  She’s been off her meds to see what happens.  She has been sick pretty much the whole winter.  (And when I look back at all the pictures since she was three, she has had a little red mustache starting from Christmas until after Birthday Season).

I have taken her to a special orthodontist to ensure her excessive mouth breathing isn’t causing any issues with her teeth.  She has also had to go to the dentist to scrape the buildup off from her teeth caused by excessive mouth breathing and the steady flow of antibiotics.

Enough is enough, and the ENT thinks it’s time for surgery.

Usually, I am pretty cool about these things.  I put my feelings into a vault so that I can be the reliable source of comfort to my child.

But to be honest, I. Am. Freaking. Out.  I am not sleeping well.  I am panicky and snappy.

I may think that I am fooling everyone that I look calm about this “minor procedure” (which, anything involving an anesthesiologist and a surgeon with a knife is never minor to me), but I don’t think so.

One look at my face and the teenage-like acne that has sprouted all over is a clear indication that I am not fine.

Seriously, if this acne could talk, it would say a lot.

It would say that this “minor procedure” (did I mention it’s outpatient?  How ridiculous is that?!) is bringing up a lot of scar tissue.  When Marie was born, she was born with macrocephaly, which is fancy for “big head.”  Although that doesn’t sound threatening, it did results in a slew of head ultrasounds, an MRI, and lots of physical and occupational therapy.

And lots of therapy for me, too.

For the first 18 months, we didn’t know what was wrong with her.  That’s a long time to live with your child’s health up in the air.

I can’t say that I ever totally worked through those feelings.  I have a better understanding of my feelings, but something like that changes a person forever.  I would say there is a little place inside me where those feelings stay all wrapped up in a box sitting on a shelf.  I don’t really think about them all that often.

Until something like this happens.

And it’s not like I can just check out for a while until I feel less agitated with worry.  Oh, no.  The show must go on.  I must wake up.  I must get lunches made.  I must make sure Marie gets ready for school.  I must make sure Thomas doesn’t watch too much TV to ensure his brain doesn’t turn to mush.

As if a plain ol’ day of motherhood wasn’t draining enough, add something like a “minor surgical procedure” into the mix and suddenly, drinking a cup of coffee seems like too much of a chore.

It’s exhausting, really.

Just ask my acne. 

If you have any words of wisdom about powering through a tough time like this, I would greatly appreciate them. 


Annie said...

No real words of wisdom, but just know that you ARE strong and you ARE an excellent mom...but those two things don't mean you can't cry or ask for help. They really don't.
I'm happy you are sucks proactive mom and getting this taken care of early for Marie.
I'm sad you're taking so much of it into and onto yourself.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do from
Over here!!!

Annie said...

I'm happy you are SUCH A PROACTIVE MOM...not 'sucks'!!! Hahaha

Anonymous said...

As I have traveled a scary road with my child's health, I would say what works for me is Xanax. No, really. And also, leaning on my friends, who including YOU gave tremendous support. Easier said than done, but feeling those awful feelings, instead of bottling them up, is very therapeutic. You are entitled to feel, and you should never feel like you shouldn't., even though it isn't easy. What did NOT feel helpful for me, is hearing people say that "god will only give you what he knows you can handle so you must be very strong". That means what? That you should feel proud instead of scared? That GOD thinks you are so strong that your kid should suffer? Bullshit. You feel those feelings, whatever they are- fear, anger, frustration, etc.

Hugs to you!

Mommy on the Spot said...

Thanks so much! Your support means a lot!

Mommy on the Spot said...

Thank you so much! Also, I know, people can say the dumbest things. But thanks for your support. I appreciate it!

Anonymous said...

Do you have any GI issues? I ask this because these are telltale symptoms of a very common liver condition brought on by- in so many cases, college year mistakes with food and alcohol.It's not recognized by most doctors...The adult acne and emotional upsets that you mention. I am wondering if they possibly coincide with intense cravings for unhealthy foods...there to compensate for muscle weakness and fatigue. Having been through this it seems like so many of us are super focused on careers, or in your case the care of others and we sometimes fail to recognize that we are not well. I'm throwing this out there because some of my friends have been prescribed xanax and the root cause is not brain related at all.