It started out first as wanting to rest after the holidays.
Well, that was three weeks ago, and I still don’t want to get off the couch. This cozy-let’s-drink-coffee-and-hot-cocoa-and-cuddle-and-watch-tv-all-day feeling has turned into I-think-my-brain-might-be-turning-into-oatmeal-and-not-the-hearty-old-fashioned-oats-kind-but-the-nutrion-depleted-instant –kind feeling.
And because winter’s cozy feeling is so cunning and sneaky, I can’t quite remember which came first: am I sad because I am not doing anything? Or am I not doing anything because I am sad.
I think I can say both.
The holidays and all their shenanigans totally sucked my will to live. So I think what started out as recovering from a rough couple of weeks has turned into a self-reflection marathon in which I have had to come to terms with a few things.
Relationships can be a bitch. They can be messy, difficult, and confusing. But when they start to be more frustrating than supportive . . . what do you do?
And why should I care if it’s not with the three people with whom I am legally bound (that kind of sounds like I may be talking about sister wives, but I am talking about Harrington and The Babes. Note to self: you may be too emotionally invested into Big Love).
And then I read this in Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Committed, in which she quotes psychologist Carol Gilligan, “Women’s sense of integrity seems to be entwined with an ethic of care, so that to see themselves as women is to see themselves in a relationship of connection.” Banks goes on to talk about how this “fierce instinct for entwinement” can cause women to “make bad choices” for the “greater good.”
Now the context of this passage is marriage, but I can totally apply it to my life and choices I have made in other relationships. I mean, who hasn’t put their self-worth aside or done something that they felt was in the complete opposite direction of their inner-compass in order to keep a relationship from derailing?
Me. Anyone else?
If so, then let’s all meet on the Island of Misfit Toys from the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer movie. Because Hermy the Elf? You know the one who dared to follow his own happiness? He speaks such sweet truth:
Why am I such a misfit?
I am not just a nit wit!
They can't fire me.
We may be different from the rest
Who decides the test
Of what is really best?
We're a couple of misfits
We're a couple of misfits
What's the matter with misfits
That's where we fit in!
So screw this feeling of ickiness. I’m supposed to be on the Bringing the Happy Back World Tour Bus. And this is not OK.
So today I got my ass out of bed early and did yoga and even left the house to go to Target. And you know what? I feel better.
And then I found this status update that totally inspired me:
In life there's gonna be times when you're feeling low...and in your mind insecurities seem to take control..we start to look outside ourselves for acceptance and approval. We keep forgetting that the one thing we should know is...Don't be scared to fly alone..Find a path that is your own..love will open every door..Don't hold back and always know...All the answers you will unfoldI rather be a misfit than a dead, heartless robot that goes about pins her happiness on others. That. Never. Works. Ever.
So what demons are you wrestling with today?
Tune in tomorrow where I have a light and fun post about a review I will be doing soon! Yea!