Today will conclude my deep thoughts while in Vancouver. Because, seriously, there’s other important things to talk about like my crippling fear of raw chicken and my new favorite place. So here are some other observations I made while in beautiful Vancouver:
Planner vs. Control Freak
I have come to the realization that I am A Planner. I love to plan for things. It gets me excited. I love to plan birthdays and holidays and fun activities. I like to make sure my alternative caregivers know the plan so they know what the Babes like. If the plan doesn’t work out exactly so, that’s OK, but I think information like how many vitamins to give and what their favorite foods are is helpful information.
I do not think I am A Control Freak (well, maybe about germs and raw chicken). Control Freaks, in my opinion, like to be in control of people. For instance, Control Freaks like to push their views onto others. They see others as an extension of themselves. Control Freaks want their kids to be Just Like Them rather than Be Their Own People. I used to think they were one in the same, but A Planner is much different than A Control Freak. I believe that I am not a Control Freak because I really do encourage The Babes to independent and explore what makes them happy. And by happy, I mean what makes-them-light-up-inside-happy, not eating-a-bottomless-jar-of-cookies-happy.
I also think that the energy of A Control Freak is different than the energy of A Planner. A Planner is pro-active and wants to do and to experience. A Control Freak’s energy is more fear-based and passive aggressive. They are afraid so they control.
This is just not me.
Having said that, I am
I think I’ve let the view of others seep into my consciousness and cloud my perception of myself. I think traveling so far away from home helped me to realize the difference. I’m not exactly sure how or why I was able to see this, but instead of trying for figure it out, I am just going to be grateful for the distance to see who I really am.
I am becoming more and more proficient in putting on my brave face, not just for the Babes, but for others. Networking makes me nervous, but I wasn’t going to let Harrington see me sweat. I wanted him to focus on this conference and not worry about me. So after weeks of preparing for this trip and an incident of “delayed luggage” (which is a brilliant term used by the airlines for lost luggage) and the overwhelming feeling that it was finally over, I lost. It. Freaked. The. F*CK. Out. I didn’t get the kind of reaction that I wanted because The Hubs was freaking out, too. Part of it is we are both kind of stumbling around all the changes that are going on right now. Another part of it is that I have changed. I used to be that person who was the epitome of an open book.
So the great part - I am mastering grace under pressure. The bad part - people don’t know what I am thinking and then surprised if I have an emotional outburst. Harrington and I had a conversation about this prior to the trip after watching Jersey Shore:
Me: Wow! JWoww is one tough broad. She says what she’s thinking and doesn’t waver. Everyone listens to her.
The Hubs: Why are you so surprised? That’s you.
Me: I’m not that scary, and when my boobs got that big, I pumped.
The Hubs: Everyone who is that strong in what they believe in can be scary to people are insecure.
I am pretty sure that was a compliment, but the bottom line is, if you cut me (or JWoww), we both bleed. If I am going to be brave, then I need support to decompress and refill the tank. In fact, I think part of being brave is respecting personal limits and vocalizing needs. But I do get the confusion: there is a disconnect when actions don't match up to feelings. When I was a kid, it took my Dad a lot to get angry. And when he yelled, it totally took me by surprise. I never knew he was getting angry. Back then, I never understood how he did it, but now I totally get it.
So I am not sure what I think about this new part of my personality emerging. Part of me feels empowered to be in control of my emotions and strong to be there for my family, but sometimes I feel lonely.
Eat, Pray, Love
As I stated in a previous post, I said that I was going to read this book. I am almost done, and I will reserve any and all comments until I am done reading.
So, Friends, have you changed in ways that you didn’t expect? How? Why? Do you often get caught up and start to believe what others think of you?
See you for Feel Good Friday!