Mom Guilt: Part 2

Before I start, I want to ask you to please please PLEASE vote for me here at Skinny Scoop’s Top 25 Mom Bloggers of 2012.  All you have to do is click, click on “see more suggestions,” scroll down, and give me the thumbs up!  Thanks so much!!

Also, did you get a chance to see my debut post atThe Detroit News MichMoms blog?  Please check it out!  I am so excited for this opportunity and would be ever so grateful for any loving comments you feel inspired to share!  (I don’t want to be that new kid who feels like she doesn’t have any friends, you know)?

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Remember when I went to Texas in March?  Maybe not because I was too crazy dealing with the constant sickness that consumed the first three months of 2012 (along with some other random reasons).  During that time, my friend Annie from RealMommy Chronicles wrote a guest post that talked about the decision to be stay-at-homemom or a work-out-of-the-home mom.

Her post could not have been more aligned with the feelings I had during that trip.

To be brief, the Texas trip was a dis.as.ter.  I was stressed because poor Marie had been diagnosed with pneumonia just hours before I was supposed to board the flight.  I was so unsure what to do, but in the end I wrote down the medication directions and trusted that the grandparents could handle it.  (Although they did a fantastic job, I can’t say that I would make this choice again).

I was able to keep it all together . . . until the end.  On the plane.  With everyone from the conference riding together.

It was the kind of cry I couldn’t stop, and the more I stopped the harder I cried.

I think it came down to the stress of caring for sick kids coupled with the feeling that I was losing some footing on me and my goals.  I was nursing The Babes back to health.  I was supporting Greg at his conference.  And I was tired and overwhelmed.

I think what brought this all to the forefront was the fact that the president of this male-dominated field conference is a woman.  Not only is this woman the president of this conference, but she runs a company as well.  Oh, and she’s a wife and a mother of two young children.

I envied her.  To me she appeared free and successful.  However, she does have a live-in nanny.

And underneath my envy was the inevitable guilt.  Guilt for wanting something in addition to being a mother.

I am smart.  I went to college and have a degree.  I had a career (albeit not something that made me happy).  I even have a master’s degree.  It can be frustrating to always be in the supportive role when I know that I am capable of doing something different.

Here’s the thing, I don’t want a nanny lifestyle.  And I don’t always want to rely on my parents or my mother-in-law to take care of The Babes.  I know this time is fleeting, and I don’t want to wish it away.  Once their time as children has passed, there is no going back. 

But on the other side, being a full-time caregiver can be overwhelming, especially when there are sickies involved.  There have been times when I think it would be best to take myself off the stove completely; however, this will not make me happy.  I know it’s best to keep my goals on the backburner, slowly simmering gradually adding elements so when it’s time, I have a rich, well-developed place to start.

In retrospect, why was it easier for me to entertain the thought of taking myself off the stove rather than the guilt?  Why do I insist on torturing myself with this notion that having something for me is cheating on my family?

Do you ever feel mom guilt for wanting something in addition to being a mother?

Guest Post by Real Mommy Chronicles: SAHM vs.WM = TIFIDWTC

I finally made it to Dallas! I wasn’t sure if I was going to go since The Babes were sick, but I took care of them, to them their heavy doses of antibiotics, and entrusted them in the care of their grandparents. (That sounds like a really simple version of the Hell I endured, but that’s a post when I am not trying to relax).



This week I am taking some time off from writing for my blog as I regroup for a bit while Harrington actually has to do work at his conference. Today’s post is from my good friend, Annie, at Real Mommy Chronicles. I totally get where she is coming from because no Mom has it easy, whether you stay home with you kids full time or work outside of the home. It comes down to the personal choice of what is right for you and your family.

On Thursday, I have an amazing writer (who I am lucky enough to be her cousin) that will write about her choice to eat a plan-based diet.



Be sure to give some comment love to these great bloggers!

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That would be, "This Isn't Fair, I Don't Want To Choose." (You are reading a Mommy Blog, my friend, so I am assuming you already know the acronyms for Stay At Home Mom and Working Mom. And if you didn't before, well, now you do.)

First of all, let me say that I know I am fortunate to even be in a position where I am struggling with this issue. Lots of moms don't have a choice but to work if they want their kids to have food, clothing and shelter. Technically, our family could survive (with all belts on that last, tightest hole, if you catch my drift) on my husband's salary alone. However, it would be nice to have a little more income. PLUS, it really is hard as Hell to be home with the kids 24 hours a day. I'm not (necessarily) saying it is Hell...just that it is hard as Hell.

But honestly? Weighing the pros and cons of both sides is exhausting. Stressful. Emotional. Draining. Scary.

On the one hand, your kids are only little once and it is your only chance to watch them grow and to be the main influence on their character.

On the other hand, being around your kids all day every day is so exhausting that it can sometimes leave you acting like a grumpy old man instead of the nurturing voice of love and guidance you dreamed you would be as a mother.

The craziest part has been trying to make the decision based on financial components. Once you've subtracted your nanny or daycare's pay from your salary, you are not left with much. Unless you are a CEO. Or treating your nanny as an indentured servant and not really 'paying' her per se. Which just really isn't cool. So basically, if you are a normal person, with a normal salary and you are decent enough to pay your nanny well...you find yourself doing a different kind of math:

So I am going to spend X amount of hours away from my kids this year in order to bring home Y?

Well, let me tell you. That equation just never sits well in your heart.

Because the truth is, no matter what you make, if you compare it to whether it is worth not being around your children I can't imagine a sum that makes it feel okay. Let alone good.

Plus, let me just add that it finally dawned on me that it is totally wrong and bizarre that we always seem to subtract the childcare expenses from my salary. Am I the only mom who finds herself doing the math that way? The truth is, if we want to do the math of having a two-salary household with childcare, we should subtract the childcare from both salaries to be fair, right? Half from each. My salary looks much more appealing with half of the childcare expenses subtracted from it. (And even better if I conveniently forget all of those lovely taxes that will be taken out..... Note to self: Get into that top, top bracket where I have a gazillion dollars and get taxed next to nothing before government comes to their senses and fixes that ridiculousness.)

The other part of the whole equation is, well...me. Little ol' me.

I went to college. I went to grad school. I got accepted into impressive programs. I worked my little tail off. (It was still relatively little back then.)

I enjoy working.

I am not sure I want to completely give that up for another 5 years or so. Certainly not for another 18.

Being a mom is my most important role. It is the one that is most vital I don't screw up. It is the one I enjoy the most.

But I totally get it when women talk about needing to also be productive in other ways in order to retain their sense of self. And I am starting to realize that perhaps I fall into that category.

I think my greatest strengths are as a mom. But maybe I need to be fulfilling other professional needs as well in order to really be the happiest and most patient mom I can be.

That, and I really need to start making time to do things like get a haircut, go on a date with my husband, get my nails done, shower daily.

I mean, I deserve to feel human, too, right?

I am pretty sure that when my mom was away from me in order to work for whatever her personal reasons were, she was hoping it would benefit me as a person. I need to honor that and make sure that I am not only a good mom and wife, but also a happy and productive person. Individual.

I need to make sure that her choices and challenges weren't wasted on raising a daughter who then never figured out how to not only be what her family needs her to be, but also be who she is supposed to be.

My kids deserve it.

I deserve it.

Just Filling In Today!

I am filling in today for Annie at Real Mommy Chronicles.  I love her blog and so honored that she had me guest post for her today.  Maybe you remember her when she wrote a guest post for me?

Seriously, Annie is awesome.

So come follow me on over for my guest post.

I'll be back here next week talking about how if one more person asks me for another cup of juice, I might break down in a fit of real tears.

Have a great weekend!!

The Abyss of Fear by Real Mommy Chronicles

I am out of the office this week so I asked Annie from Real Mommy Chronicles to guest post for me. She. Is. Awesome. I love her! We met at BlogHer last year in the way back of the breakfast room with the morning keynote speaker. We both had backgrounds in education and new to blogging. And we just kinda clicked. Anyway,

I love her writing style because it’s so honest and funny. And this post is no exception. Because her reaction to her son being left handed? Would have totally been me. And probably a lot of us moms in some capacity because wow! Is it a lot of responsibility or what? (As I am enjoying some time off with The Hubs and getting some serious spa treatments). (At least that is what I am envisioning this business trip will be like since I am writing before leaving). (Hey, I think I earned it. I mean, I did fill out Marie’s kindgergarten packet before I left. And by packet, I mean about 22 forms. If the FBI is looking for an almost five year old double agent, look no further. Because I have done all the paper work).

Without further ado, I bring to you Annie from Real Mommy Chronicles. . .




The other I day, I posted about an article I read about left-handedness. My older son is left-handed and I have to say that at first glance, the article’s declarations freaked me out. I had always thought being a lefty just meant being more creative, and here they were associating it with loads of other terrible illnesses or conditions.

I had that moment of panic. I was on the verge of calling multiple specialists and figuring out how we could test for all of these possibilities early.

Get a hospital room ready! We’re coming in! Move! Move! Move!

And then I smacked myself across the face.

Okay, I know you don’t know me (yet!) but I would never actually hit anyone, let alone my fabulous self.

But in my mind I had to smack myself. Shake my shoulders. Bring me to my senses and drag me back from the abyss that can easily swallow you up as a parent.

The abyss of FEAR.

They say that having a child is like living the rest of your life with your heart outside of your chest. It is so, so true. I often find myself telling people that the most surprising part of parenthood is the pain. I don’t just mean childbirth. I am talking the excruciating pain of seeing your child hurt, in pain, suffering, struggling, or dealing with any of life’s cruelties. Nobody warns you about the level of this heartbreak!

Because we want to spare our children from any pain (and to be honest, ourselves from enduring the pain of watching their pain), I think we can sometimes go overboard. We all have heard of a ‘helicopter parent,’ but lately I have seen similar behavior in more subtle ways.

Sure, you don’t hover while your child goes down the slide at the playground, but you are waiting at the bottom with the Purell.

You let them feed themselves, but every single thing on that plate is organic. Down to the dipping sauce for their carrots.

They are allowed to pick out their own outfit in the morning, but all of their clothing is made of hemp. Even their socks.

And of course they are allowed to walk to school, but obviously they need to wear a helmet.

Now let me clarify. I totally have Purell in my diaper bag and purse, try to feed my kids as much organic food as possible and make them wear helmets on bicycles or scooters. In fact, I even think they have a few organic clothing items. (Hand-me-downs, for sure) I am talking about parents who focus on one issue and go completely nuts.

The truth is that I understand the urge to protect our children in this way. I don’t want any toxins entering their pristine systems. But at what point do we have to release a little? At what point is the ‘getting out of control’ really about control? We can’t control every aspect of our kids’ lives for very long. For the short period of time we have them in our nests before they take flight, do we really want to be focused entirely on the details of their surroundings and consumption, rather than filling them with creativity, trust, and love? (Love being 100% organic, by the way!) Sure you can probably do both, but we all know there are only so many balls we can juggle before some start falling.

I have to say that I don’t just blame us, the parents. Every day there are multiple articles telling us about everything that can go wrong with our children. Giving us study after study about possible correlations.

Strawberries are good. No, wait, they’re bad. Hold on, actually, they can save your life. Oh, nope. Spoke to soon. If you let your child eat strawberries they will immediately combust.

And the products! Oh, the products! Well, of course now that your commercial has told me that my child can die in horrendous pain if he touches markers that contain Jutelgyn 567-N (I totally just made that up.), of course now I want your markers that do NOT contain Jutelgyn 567-N. In fact, now I NEED them. $47? Done.

You just know that ‘Baby Bubbles’ are going to be in stores any day now. We can roll them around instead of using strollers and they never have to touch a thing!

But I think we have to keep ourselves in check a little. Largely because nobody else is going to keep us in check. Do you know how much money is being made off of all of us crazed parents?!? Of course many concerns are real, but that doesn’t mean our intense love for our kids isn’t being exploited a bit. And it doesn’t mean we have to fall into the abyss of fear.

Because more than anything else, what our kids really need is us. Being there for them. And being sane. And letting them live a little.