Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Something I May Have Forgotten as I Leave for BlogHer12

Tomorrow I leave for BlogHer12.  

So I am clicking along, feeling really good about myself when I am hit by a wave of anxiety.  How can this be?  I have everything ready to be packed.  What could I possibly be nervous about?

Oh, leaving my kids.  Yes, that has made me a bit anxious.

When I left for BlogHer last year, I don’t remember feeling this anxious.  If memory serves me correctly (and I am going by memory because I don’t have time to go back into the archives to check), I remember feeling a bit relieved that I was getting a break.

But this year is different.  Maybe because I feel this is becoming more than a hobby.  It’s a bit more than just “checking this whole blogging thing out.”

I kind of feeling that I am cheating on my kids.  Did I also mention that I am missing my nine year anniversary to go to this?  (We did celebrate this weekend).

But through all this muddy guilty feelings, I do see this little light shining through.  Last week, I was working on some blogging stuff when Marie came up to me.  She wondered what I was doing, and I told her I was writing a blog post and working on my new website.  She said, “I want to be like you when you grow up.  You write, you do stuff on the computer, and you’re home.”

Hmm, I didn’t think it looked like that from the outside.  I always feel torn, like I should be doing a craft or constantly engaging with the kids.  Maybe I’m showing some work/home balance that I wasn’t even aware of.

As for the guilt of leaving for BlogHer, I’ll get over it.  It’s more the anticipation; once I’m there, I’m good.

So here’s to another adventure.  Yes, it’s hard to leave.  But if I focus on that, I’m only going to miss so much when I’m at BlogHer.  I’m going to try my best to live in the moment so I enjoy myself at the conference and am present for my family.

Can’t wait to let you know how it goes!


RealMommyChron said...

COMPLETELY get this. I had this level of anxiety when leaving last year since San Diego was so far from NYC. Plus, I was missing my husband's 30th birthday last year.

And truthfully, I still have some of these feelings this year even though I will be able to see my kids each morning for an hour before the conference.

But hearing Marie's interpretation is so heart warming and CALMING. That must have made you feel fantastic. Not only are you not doing her a disservice, not only does she not feel bitter or ignored, she ADMIRES you.

Must mean you are doing a pretty fantastic job as a mama.

Julia P F said...

That was so wonderful of your daughter to say! Maybe 'we' are doing a better job than we know! In a new reader, I will be reading more!