Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Big Reveal of My Hot Pants Post: The All True Among the Pretty All True

The wait is over! I will now reveal the all true among the pretty all true (and if you have a preschooler who reads Olivia, I hope you get the reference).
You must read this first or the rest of this is not going to make sense.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

I’m still here, don’t worry.

So which one do you think is all true?

If you guessed #4, you would be wrong.

All that drama with the green runny nose running down that little girl’s face and her grandfather chatting it up during the hokey pokey was true. However, I scooted out with another mom during Ring-Around-The Rosy. We vented privately how disgusting all that was, and then I left a message for the program leader. Because the program leader? She is awesome and doesn’t take any crap. And I think she’d want to know what was going on.

All that stuff about me standing up and addressing the offender and the parents clapping? The fantasy version of how I saw it going down.

If you guessed #1, you would be wrong.

I did go to Germany with my high school boyfriend after I graduated high school to visit his family. We did go to an amazing castle. I also got drunk with his grandparents. However, he did not ask me to marry him. In fact, I cried pretty much every day to come home. We broke up soon after we came back. We got together and broke up several times before calling it quits for good. Since I had no ring to sell, I did work in the university cafeteria flipping burgers and grilled cheese sandwiches.

If you guessed #5, you would be wrong.

 Harrington and I did go on a cruise that ported in Cozumel. But instead of tequila, it was margaritas. And instead of tamales, it was taquitos (which I could not eat for years afterwards because they made me nauseous. Or was it the margaritas at 10 a.m. I guess one can never be certain . . .) Although I did sing Honky Tonk Woman, I did not wait for a stage or a microphone; I just belted out the tune from my beach chair. All by myself. I was videotaping Harrington doing some water sport (parasailing maybe? Jet ski? I can’t remember) and a party boat to pull up to the beach and started playing The Rolling Stones. Really loud.  And I just couldn’t help myself. So yes, there is a lovely video clip of that somewhere in my house. Which is one of the reasons I’ll never run for public office. And for the ship? It was Dynasty Era at its finest.

If you guessed #3, you would be wrong.

Although one of my superiors did get wasted, it wasn’t at the end of the year party. It was the Christmas party at a pool hall. So she was puking in a public restroom with other ladies yelling at me that my “friend” better get her shit together. She did not threaten my job (although that did happen several times which is an xtranormal video in the making). But she did slurishly yell, “Erin, get my coat, my keys, and my purse.” After not being satisfied with my sheepish answer, “I’ll get your coat and your purse, but not your keys because I think you might maybe slightly be a tad bit uh, how do I say this, um, kinda dunk.” At which point I found some senior staff members to take care of this situation (which I think The Situation from Jersey Shore would call “a situation” don’t you think)?

If you guessed #2, you would be correct!

 I did work at a pet crematorium. And while I worked there as a receptionist, (because there was no way I would do anything else there), a lady came in with her jean purse full of ferrets asking about her options for cremation as well as her birds. I do believe I was let go because I told her that maybe she wanted to bury birds since the owner (who did have a real life bachelor’s degree in funeral directing) said there would not be enough remains to give her. Which I guess presents a conflict of interest. But that’s OK because I got a job as a receptionist at a hair salon in which I got deep discounts on highlights and brow waxing. So yea, Real Mommy Chronicles, you were right!

Thanks again, RN Mama for this fun award!

See you for Feel Good Friday!


Anonymous said...

Hahaha! These were so fun to read! I love getting to know you better :)

Anonymous said...

I remembered a lot of the stories and as much as I love you, I NEVER knew you worked at a pet crematorium. No wonder you don't have any pets.

I still love you....

Aunt d.

Mommy on the Spot said...

@Lessons, thanks!

Aunt D., that's so funny! I had no idea that you had no idea. :)

Elizabeth - Flourish in Progress said... worked at a pet crematorium. That is awesome. Seriously. I just wonder what other kinds of potential clients walked in.

That sounds truly fascinating (even as a recpetionist) but you just can't go wrong with getting deep discounts of your beauty needs!!

Mommy on the Spot said...

Elizabeth, it was pretty cool. The person who worked in the back let me see the whole creamation process. That along with the weirdos that came in made for a pretty interesting day at work.