Thursday, April 15, 2010

Sabotage!

I have a confession to make. I don’t think I have said these words out loud, so here I go. (Takes a deep breath and exhales). I think that I have been sabotaging my writing dream. At first, I thought it was just life getting in the way. Yes, I have been busy with ear surgeries, birthday party season, and Easter. And then I thought if I only had a place to go in my house for some quie;t so I have been cleaning the office space in the basement. Then there was the stretch of time that both babes were not sleeping through the night. And now I am realizing that although those circumstances are all true, I think that fear is getting in the way of finishing my article and sending it out to magazines. And not just the fear of being published, because I really don’t think I am afraid of that. Even though I have a healthy fear of rejection, I don’t think that is the only thing holding me back. So I did some super sleuthing that Darby, Tigger, and Pooh would be proud of and realized that I think it’s the fear of making my dream come true while being a mom.

And I think guilt is fueling the fear fire. Here is a list of things that makes me feel guilty:

-Guilty for doing something that I love would get in the way of being a good mom. (I know this is ridiculous because there are plenty of good moms out there doing things that are self-fulfilling).

-Guilty that I get to stay home with my kids AND do something that I love while my husband is out there wishing he could spend more time with the kids and doing a job that isn’t in love with.

-Guilty that being a mom, although is great and awesome, is not enough to make me feel like a full, well-rounded human being.


So why bother even writing a post about this? I could have flown under the radar without anyone being any of the wiser of my evil plan to kill my dream. I mean, the truth of the situation was barely visible to even me. I feel if it’s out there, then it’s not in my brain taking up valuable real estate needed for more productive things like, I don’t know, focusing on finishing my article?! Plus, it’s about accountability. If I admit to self-sabotaging in a public forum, then I have to be accountable to change it.

So instead of hiding behind grocery shopping and taking Marie to her yoga class on Saturday, I am going to stay home and finish my article. Wish me luck!

So, Friends, what are your fears?

6 comments:

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

I think every single mom feels guilt. Although, I do all of my chores so to speak and then obviously be with the girls, and then whatever time I have left is for ME! And then I blog!

FInish that article. :-)

lessonsinlifeandlight said...

Isn't it weird how people sometimes feel guilty for good things? I know that I often feel guilty for being in such a good marriage, having such a good job, etc. It's usually the circumstance of others that makes me feel that way though.

I think my biggest fear at this stage in life is that I will fall into a boring marriage once we have a baby...and that I won't be a good enough mom. Although I think realizing your fears is the first step in preventing them from coming true.

Bossy Betty said...

I know exactly how you feel! I used to drive myself crazy thinking if only I had time to write I would but then having time and not doing it. Oh, it's a vicious circle!

Anonymous said...

Guilt is the sidecar to the motorcycle of motherhood. I've told you before that I think the word "mother" came from the word "martyr". I'm guilty because I'm jealous that you are writing! I've always wanted to write (having read so much of other people's writing!). My daughter writes for a living and I'm envious of that, too. You inspire me! Finish that article ... and I'll edit it for you!

Aunt Diane

Jenny said...

I think all moms have guilt. No matter what we do. I feel guilty all the time. You will be making a better life for you and your family. Don't feel guilty about that. Ever. Being able to stay home with your kids and do what you love is awesome and nothing to feel guilty about. You go girl! When you are a famous columnist don't forget us little people!

Moonspun said...

You know, nothing, not being a mother, or a wife, or a writer is THE one thing that can fufill your every needs. NOTHING can do that. That's why we have different interests and like different people.
If you aren't fufilled, you aren't complete. So it's ok to balance things out...and good luck with your writing and your dreams!