Future Master of the Universe

If I ever become Master of the Universe, there would be a few things I would change. First of all, I would make sure that one could buy a case of jarred baby food in a variety pack. If you have a baby who eats like a teenage boy, you would understand. I hate having to put at least 14 jars (1 weeks supply, and that’s just the meet and vegetable mix) plus a bunch of fruit and vegetables containers in my cart, unload each of them from my cart, watch the cash register person ring up each of them, watch the bagger bag each of them, and then put each of them away in the cupboard. I’m just saying, people at Gerber, it would be great if you could do that before I became the Master of the Universe . . . as long as you gave me credit, of course. And as Future Master of the Universe, it may be a good idea to do so.

Another thing I would change is that Caribou would take over Starbucks, and I would ensure that Caribou would have a delivery service. If you have small babies that nap and/or live in the freezing depths of the Midwest, you understand. If Thomas is napping, it is strongly frowned upon leaving his sleeping in his crib while I go out and score a caffeine fix from Caribou. And if he’s not and it’s freezing cold, it hardly seems worth bundling up both babes. And yes, I make coffee at home and make it fun with my Café Motion machine, but it would be nice to have options.

Most importantly, I would make people wear signs. Not just a Hello-My-Name-Is (insert identity here). That tells me nothing. I think a sign that tells the truth about you would be much more constructive. For instance, there is someone, his name is Richard* but I’ll call him Dick, that constantly says one thing (always the one thing I want to hear) and then does the EXACT OPPOSITE. Dick promises to have us over more often, but when the opportunity arises, he does not ask. Dick promises that he will communicate more effectively, but still uses the old, ineffective channels that result in failure. You would think that after a couple gagillion times that I would get a clue. But I value truth and honesty, and I operate under the assumption that everyone else does, too. I become confused when someone says one thing and then do something that doesn’t match up. I begin to panic and think I misunderstood something and think that I must be the one at fault. After much pondering, I think the only thing that I am at fault is thinking Dick is actually going to do what he says he’s going to do. And this is where the sign comes in. His sign would read, “I lie to your face and tell you what you want to hear and proceed to do what I want to do which is the direct opposite of what I said I was going to do.” If I saw that, it would alleviate all of my confusion, misplaced guilt, and disappointment. Here are some other signs that may be helpful:

- I do nice things for others for the sole reason to brag about it. To everyone.

- I am mean and nasty to overcompensate for my feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.

- No matter what I say or do, I am about one person: me.

- I don’t do anything that’s not convenient for me because I am lazy.

- I prefer to be ignorant because it’s easier.

Don’t you think life would be so much easier if everyone wore the sign that best described themselves rather than being confused?

In case you are wondering, my sign would read, “I am truthful and believe in doing the right thing (and therefore hold the same standard for everyone else and can be a bit judge-y if you don’t follow suit). There I said it! It’s not exactly flattering, but it’s the truth (and my Mama always says, “No one likes a truth-sayer”). (And some people interpret that as being a bitch, so whatever).

So, what would your sign say (and be honest because you know I can be a bit judge-y if you are lying). Do any of those other signs above fit anyone in your life? Do tell!

*Names have been changed and vagueness has been added to protect the guilty.