Thursday, January 28, 2010

Future Master of the Universe

If I ever become Master of the Universe, there would be a few things I would change. First of all, I would make sure that one could buy a case of jarred baby food in a variety pack. If you have a baby who eats like a teenage boy, you would understand. I hate having to put at least 14 jars (1 weeks supply, and that’s just the meet and vegetable mix) plus a bunch of fruit and vegetables containers in my cart, unload each of them from my cart, watch the cash register person ring up each of them, watch the bagger bag each of them, and then put each of them away in the cupboard. I’m just saying, people at Gerber, it would be great if you could do that before I became the Master of the Universe . . . as long as you gave me credit, of course. And as Future Master of the Universe, it may be a good idea to do so.

Another thing I would change is that Caribou would take over Starbucks, and I would ensure that Caribou would have a delivery service. If you have small babies that nap and/or live in the freezing depths of the Midwest, you understand. If Thomas is napping, it is strongly frowned upon leaving his sleeping in his crib while I go out and score a caffeine fix from Caribou. And if he’s not and it’s freezing cold, it hardly seems worth bundling up both babes. And yes, I make coffee at home and make it fun with my CafĂ© Motion machine, but it would be nice to have options.

Most importantly, I would make people wear signs. Not just a Hello-My-Name-Is (insert identity here). That tells me nothing. I think a sign that tells the truth about you would be much more constructive. For instance, there is someone, his name is Richard* but I’ll call him Dick, that constantly says one thing (always the one thing I want to hear) and then does the EXACT OPPOSITE. Dick promises to have us over more often, but when the opportunity arises, he does not ask. Dick promises that he will communicate more effectively, but still uses the old, ineffective channels that result in failure. You would think that after a couple gagillion times that I would get a clue. But I value truth and honesty, and I operate under the assumption that everyone else does, too. I become confused when someone says one thing and then do something that doesn’t match up. I begin to panic and think I misunderstood something and think that I must be the one at fault. After much pondering, I think the only thing that I am at fault is thinking Dick is actually going to do what he says he’s going to do. And this is where the sign comes in. His sign would read, “I lie to your face and tell you what you want to hear and proceed to do what I want to do which is the direct opposite of what I said I was going to do.” If I saw that, it would alleviate all of my confusion, misplaced guilt, and disappointment. Here are some other signs that may be helpful:

- I do nice things for others for the sole reason to brag about it. To everyone.

- I am mean and nasty to overcompensate for my feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.

- No matter what I say or do, I am about one person: me.

- I don’t do anything that’s not convenient for me because I am lazy.

- I prefer to be ignorant because it’s easier.

Don’t you think life would be so much easier if everyone wore the sign that best described themselves rather than being confused?

In case you are wondering, my sign would read, “I am truthful and believe in doing the right thing (and therefore hold the same standard for everyone else and can be a bit judge-y if you don’t follow suit). There I said it! It’s not exactly flattering, but it’s the truth (and my Mama always says, “No one likes a truth-sayer”). (And some people interpret that as being a bitch, so whatever).

So, what would your sign say (and be honest because you know I can be a bit judge-y if you are lying). Do any of those other signs above fit anyone in your life? Do tell!

*Names have been changed and vagueness has been added to protect the guilty.


Jasmine said...

"I tend to be pretty authentic, and fakers annoy me. I refrain the right to tell you that you are a superficial bitch, authentically, of course!"

Amy said...

My sign would say, "sorry I'm a complete and utter bitch, but having lived the past 6 months with my in-laws with 3 more to go, I have officially lost all sense of reality and just don't give an Eff anymore."

Ahhh, feels better:)

I used to buy a brand of baby food at babiesRus...can't believe the name escapes me at the wasn't that long ago!
Anyway, they had nice, pretty little assortments of different food all packaged. Some even included fruits along with veggies and other meals.

God, what was the name??? I know it was organic and it was cheaper than Gerber. I, too, hated having to put each individual jar on the counter for the lady to scan.

Mommy on the Spot said...

Amy, you are a saint! I can't believe that you have lived with your in-laws for that long and not checked into a mental health facility! You are amazing!

Jasmine, it's nice to have a new reader stop on by and leave a comment, and quite a comment at that . . .

Mommy on the Spot said...

jasmine, what i meant to include before i got distracted was that would be an AWESOME sign!!

New York Mama said...

Although it was ions ago, my small neighborhood health food store would let me buy baby food by the case. It was the same price and often cheaper than other area stores. Maybe you can inquire of your store manager?
As far as signs go there would be way too many for me to wear. I'd opt for the super power of being able to read what's in everyones heart in the moment.

Anonymous said...

My sign would read: this smile may not be sincere because I'm thinking that you're a moron and I'm correcting your grammar in my head.

See you Sunday!

Kendra said...

I was thinking about something similar recently, and I think it would read something like: "You may not like me, but I am genuine. When I say I am sorry, I am genuinely sorry. When I don't remember we had plans, I genuinely forgot. When I laugh at a joke you told me, I genuinely think it's funny. When I cry all the time, it's because I'm genuinely sad. You don't have to like me, but do believe me."

Oh, and I've long been in favor of making certain people wear Mr Yuk stickers!

Mommy on the Spot said...

New York Mama, great answer!

Anonymous, that was AWESOME!! It was also great to see you on Sunday.

Kendra, I think Mr. Yuk stickers would make life so much easier!! Also, I may have to borrow your "You don't have to like me, but do believe me" line and add to my sign!!

LuLu and Moxley's Mom said...

I think you should run for office!!! My sign would say, "My girls hate people. Back off!"

On the fence about BlogHer. Did you sign up? I need to decide -- they sold out last year.

Mommy on the Spot said...

Lulu and Moxley's Mom, I'll run if you are my running mate!

Not sure about BlogHer yet. Tickets are expensive. . .