I’ve
been blogging consistently since June of 2009.
I’ve never taken more than 3 weeks off in the very beginning.
Until
now.
This
winter has been tough, and I’ve been running on empty. It took forever to shake off the holiday
stress. I also completely underestimated
the need to regroup after pouring my heart out into my first rough draft of my book.
In
addition to my struggles, Marie was having her own, and this was in fact, my
breaking point. Issues from her babyhood that I thought were far behind us started to sneak up on us again. Her anxiety also spiked during the
holidays. I was doing my best to hold it
all together while taking Marie to her various appointments, but I was
overwhelmed and scared. And of course
mom guilt generously paraded out the what ifs, forcing me to reexamine every
parenting decision I have made over the last 9 ½ years.
Oh,
mom guilt. It’s the absolute worst.
That
aside, seeing your child struggle is so heartbreaking. As a mom, my wellbeing is tied so tightly to
each child’s contentment. As much as I believe
this is an inescapable dynamic of motherhood, I was so tangled up with her that
I could not tell where her pain ended and my suffering began.
The
energy needed to manage the kids’ daily activities was already spent obsessing
about Marie’s needs. The constant hum of
fear made me feel grumpy and irritable which, inevitably, turned to into depression.
I
cried a lot. I had unexplained headaches
for weeks on end. Hip and joint
pain. Stomach cramps.
I
began to suspect something was seriously wrong, but at the time, I honestly did
not see a correlation to my health ailments and stress. But I knew something
had to change.
After
a long week of running the kids around to their appointments, swim practice,
and gymnastics while Harrington was out of town, I decided to go to a Friday
night yoga class. Usually Friday nights
are reserved to eating pizza and watching a shitty kids show before racing off
to swim practice and then passing out at 9:15pm. *If* I am lucky.
Instead,
I gave myself two hours off. I was not
responsible for taking Marie to swim. I didn’t
have to stay home with Thomas and play (re: be directed by his specific
storyline) with his Imaginext characters.
After
class, I felt amazing. The weekend was
definitely more chill. And only then did
I realize how much I needed to just take a break from the grind and just
breathe, not only for me, but also for my family.
I have decided to up my Tuesday/Friday
practice to a 30-day challenge: everyday for 30 days I will do some sort of
yoga. Red Lotus Yoga is one of my happy places, but I will also be doing some at home.
I’m
a few days in, so I’ll definitely check back in and let you know how I am
doing. What I know for sure is that if I
am going to show up for my family and be ready to write, I need to give my mind
a break from all of the thinking.
